Page 30 of Play Room Actor

Unable to drive back because the high had worn off, I waited by the lake with no money until my dad came to pick me up. My stomach was growling, and I was completely dehydrated, so we went to get something to eat first.

It was one of my favorite memories because I enjoyed that time with my dad. But unfortunately, it was also the incident that led my parents to put me on prescribed medication.

I rode out of the city, heading south, and once I hit the highway, I let the bike roar as I sped down the asphalt like I was breaking the sound barrier. Immersed in the engine’s growl, I drowned out the chaos in my mind, pushing the inner monster back down.

It was my way of finding peace. Everything around me seemed to dissolve into thin air, and all I could feel was the hum vibrating through my body. That rush brought a sense of freedom I couldn’t find anywhere else.

9

–––––

Dominic

Thursday was still my therapy day. Where the session used to take place before my theater engagement in the late afternoon, I was now sitting in Dr. Bachmann’s office at nine in the morning. My gaze kept drifting to the clock above the door. Today was a day I’d rather be anywhere but here.

I have no idea how Bachmann did it, but he always managed to get me to talk about whatever was on my mind. I fiddled with my thumb and shifted in my chair, but the time didn’t pass any faster.

“We kissed,” I muttered softly, as if I were confessing to a murder.

“And how was it?” he asked, clearly interested.

“Uh, good … I think.”

“Did you follow my advice and focus on how it felt?”

“It felt good,” I said cautiously, as if I didn’t trust my own words. “Warm. Kind of exciting. I felt desire, and … I felt like a liar.”

“Why’s that?”

“I broke my resolution.”

Bachmann smiled. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. There’s something positive in that. I’d actually look at it this way: the fact that you let it go as far as it did shows that you’ve managed to relieve some of the pressure you’ve been carrying with your strategy. Or maybe it had something to do with the man. Perhaps you feel a sense of security around him.”

“I’d call it stress. The fact that it was him who made me do this, I still can’t believe it.”

“Why not?”

“He makes me feel something strange. A kind of lust. God! This can’t be possible!”

Dr. Bachmann crossed one leg over the other and sat up straight. “Erectile dysfunction doesn’t mean you can’t feel desire. Physically, you can still have an orgasm.”

“But it goes against my resolution.”

“If I remember correctly,” he said, flipping through his notes, “you said you wanted to consciously refrain from sex for three months. So it’s fine for you to feel desire. In my opinion, that’s actually a good approach. If you feel safe, you can start experimenting. You won’t lose anything.”

“Except maybe my pride and dignity.”

Bachmann laughed, but I stayed serious.

“What’s your definition of sex?” he asked.

“I told my roommate not to tell me any spicy details about his new lover—and now we’re talking about whether the dishwasher has been emptied.”

“You said the kiss was good.”

“That’s why I’m so confused! I don’t know what’s going on with me! The boundaries are blurring more and more.”

“Could it be that you like this man?”