Page 105 of Play Room Actor

“He … took his own life.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. See? I say shit like that and … Fuck!”

“You’re not wrong. He did hurt me.” I drifted into my thoughts for a moment, picturing the gleaming white ceramic floor and the wooden stool. “We had a threesome at his place before it happened. He was … I don’t know … my boyfriend? No, not my boyfriend, but my head was so screwed up. Anyway, he got me into the whole chemsex scene. And then he just killed himself while Mike and I were in the shower.” I shook my head, still in disbelief. “Fuck … It was humiliating, having to clean up first to protect his reputation. To make it look like we’d just stumbled in and found him like that. It drove me insane.”

“I’m sorry,” Kilian said softly, resting his hand on my thigh. “No one should have to go through that.”

“Something good came out of it.” I took his hand and studied his graceful fingers. “I got out. Maybe just in time. I don’t know. But I haven’t had sex since January. After detox, I realized I couldn’t get it up anymore. At first, I didn’t want to believe it. I mean … It never happened before. But I wasn’t surprised either. So, I met up with an ex-girlfriend. An awkward night, but also very revealing.”

“And that’s when you decided to play monk?”

“It felt good to focus on everything else for once. Our society is so hypersexualized. By choosing to cut out sex completely, I managed to silence the noise. It shifted something in my mind. Giving myself permission not to think about sex took so much pressure off me. Then you showed up.”

Kilian’s eyes sparkled with joy. “And all your good intentions went down the drain,” he joked.

“Pretty much,” I admitted. “But I’m glad. You were a pest, an infuriating pain, but you’ve become so important to me. I don’t want to be without you, Kilian. Only with you.”

The joy vanished from Kilian’s face, replaced by a shadow of sadness. “I want that too,” he said somberly. “But I don’t know if it’s possible.”

“Of course it’s possible. We’ll make it possible. Somehow.”

Kilian forced a smile, then he let his head drop, sighing. “In my head, I’m screaming, ‘Yes! Hell yes! Let’s hop on a bike and ride to the sea!’ But my body’s crying and begging for rest. My mind’s like a rollercoaster, drowning in life’s chaos. Every breath is like a drug until the other side takes over, and I fall back into the darkness. I don’t think I’ll ever manage to live a normal life, to find balance or peace.”

“I don’t want ‘balanced.’ I want you. With all your edges, highs, and lows.”

“I won’t always be happy or fun.”

“I’ve already seen you at your lowest. And when you’re angry, it turns me on. What more do you want?”

His tired, sorrowful smile broke my heart and awakened my protective instincts. I moved closer and wrapped him in my arms. Kilian curled up, hugging his knees to his chest and resting his head on my shoulder. I held him tightly, nuzzling against him and inhaling his familiar scent.

“What’ll happen when I drop you off at your parents’ house?”

“They’ll take me to a clinic,” he murmured against my chest.

“Are you okay with that?”

“In three or four hours, I probably won’t be. I’ve slept, and my body and mind will be ready for action again.”

“Then we should probably get going.”

Kilian lifted his head and regarded me with suspicion. “What do you mean by ‘when you drop me off at my parents’ place’?”

“I’m driving.”

“You ride motorcycles?”

“It’s been a while, but I used to have a Yamaha.”

“Well, well. Now I love you even more.”

I smirked, brushing a dark strand of hair from his face. “You love me?”

“Of course!” he exclaimed. “Why do you think I lost it when I saw you with Livio and then naked with that other asshole?”

I pressed Kilian back into the pillow with a kiss. He wrapped his arms around me and slid his tongue into my mouth. I couldn’t get enough of him and pulled away only reluctantly.

“We should go and save this for another time.”