Page 30 of Trigger Happy

She blinks. “Now.”

“All right, relax.”

“You know what never makes a woman relax? The word ‘relax.’ ”

I ignore her and open my texts, but it’s still pulled up to the family group chat I was scrolling earlier to torture myself.

MAMA

Don’t forget!! Sunday dinner at six! Walker are you bringing your new girlfriend??

ME

No shit? She’s real?

WALKER

ME

just making sure bc all your “gfs” never make it to family dinner…

ME

and the last time you said you had a “date” it was with Stevie

ME

who we later learned was a sourdough starter

WALKER

RIP Stevie.

I still can’t believe you threw her away cause you thought she was mold

MAMA

We all miss Stevie!!!

ME

So what’s this “girlfriend’s” name?

WALKER

stop putting gf in quotations

DAD

Who took my lye? I can’t find it

MAMA

Sorry, hun! It’s above the washing machine next to the laundry detergent!

ME

that feels like a bad idea