Page 98 of Icebound

“Because he can’t stop staring at you. That man looks at you like you’re sparkling under the sun.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“Oh, but he does, doll. He never once looked at me like that.”

I lift a shoulder, trying not to appear like my heart’s doubling in size. “Maybe, but it doesn’t matter. I’m leaving for Argentina in a couple of months, so this ends soon, and I can’t live a life in the spotlight. The NHL’s too intense for me.”

“Yes, their life is rather demanding.” She waves her diamond ring. “That’s why I’m so happy I found my partner. I needed someone willing to give up everything for my career. He’s absolutely incredible…”

“Look at her!” Rhode shouts across the backyard. “She said it again for you, man. Your baby girl’s on a roll!”

As I watch Rhode prop Betty on his hip, looking like he was designed to be a father, something twists in my chest. My thoughts fracture, splintering off in a million different directions.

What am I doing with him?

I’m not ready for that. I’m stealing away his chance to meet someone who actually wants the same things. Someone who wants a family and doesn’t start sweating at the thought of being in a crowded stadium.

The air turns thick like I’m inhaling water.

No.

Not here.

Not again.

I'm on my feet in an instant, the chair clattering behind me. I don’t want to be a burden, so I put on my chronic smile and mutter an excuse to Anjali before barreling onto the back porch.

She probably thinks I’m rude, so this is another thing I’ll be stressing about five years from now when I can’t sleep. Swinging open the front door, I place my hands on my knees, sucking in the crisp farm breeze.

You’re not cliff diving, Nina. You’re fine. You’re just at a birthday party.

My mind’s on that precipice of spiraling, but I can’t risk breaking down in public again, so with trembling fingers, I pull out my phone and text Gwen.

Me

Can you come pick me up? Not feeling great, and I don’t want to make Rhode drive me home.

Gwen

Sure, I’ll be there in ten!

I release a heavy breath, and an overwhelming wave of gratitude for my sister washes over me. I really need to tell her I love her more because no matter how much I distance myself, she always comes for me. I think I’d be devastated if she ever let me push her away.

Tucking my phone in my jeans pocket, I resort to my habitual breathing exercises, resenting every second I'm forced to deal with this mess. Dr. Ghosh swears they work, but sometimes, I think it’s all a placebo effect. In the back of my head, Rhode’s words play on repeat.

It takes a hell of a lot more strength to climb up something.

I don’t want to have to be strong—I just want to be strong. I hate that I can’t go to a one-year-old’s birthday party without losing control, or maybe I won’t, I don’t know. My heart rate’s returning to normal, so these breathing exercises might actually be working.

Shocking.

A door clicks open behind me, and steps echo down the porch. I glance over my shoulder to find Rhode sauntering down the stairs with a wide grin. “Hey, I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Sorry I left you like that. I got excited.” His eyes scan my flushed face, and the grin drops from his lips. “Is everything alright?”

“I’m fine,” I snap, too focused on keeping myself from losing control to elaborate.

He reaches for my shoulders, but I jerk back, not wanting him to feel how sweaty I am beneath my overalls. “Hey, talk to me. What’s wrong? Did Anjali say something?”

“No, she’s wonderful, but it’s…” I pinch the bridge of my nose like that will stop my anger from exploding.