Page 54 of Cadell the Dragon

Making love. She didn’t think she needed to add this detail, he would see the desire to do so in her eyes.

“Thank you. And I promise I will come back to you.”

He had already promised her this once, the previous day. And he had kept his word. She had to trust that he would do so a second time. Their union would not be like the one she’d had with Rhun. Cadell would not abandon her.

Slowly, he lifted her left hand to his lips and kissed each finger in turn. Johanna’s breath hitched in her throat. Was he about to draw her into his arms and capture her mouth? Not wanting to frighten him away, she didn’t move an inch.

“Cadell, I do love you,” she said when it became clear he was not going to kiss her.

“I know. And I love you too. Which is why I fear doing something I know I’m not yet ready to do. So I will have to leave.”

With those words, he turned on his heels and stormed out of the room.

15

Here he was, about to leave Johanna again.

Cadell took in a deep breath, steadying himself. This time, at least, the parting was less final. Yesterday, as he’d climbed up on Haearn, he’d thought never to come back. Today, he knew he would see Johanna again. And with luck, by then, he would be ready to welcome the life he had always wanted.

But, as much as he loved her and he was assured that she loved him, and even if she was now unequivocally free to be with him, he had to give himself some time to accept what had happened in the last few days, for fear of spoiling everything.

That was the reason why, last night, he had slept in the stables. He knew that if he had been anywhere within easy access to Johanna, he would have joined her in bed and made love to her. And then he would never have found the strength to leave in the morning and do what he had promised Rhun he would do for his cousin. And then he would have been crippled by guilt and unable to be with her.

Which was not at all how he wanted things to happen between them.

At the time he had thought they would marry, he had refused to possess her before she was truly his in the eyes of the world and that hadn’t changed. He wanted to do this right by her, to ensure that neither of them would regret anything. He wanted to give her the kind of union she had dreamed of, from the betrothal to the ceremony, to the wedding night and then to the fulfilling marriage. He might still be able to overcome his scruples if he took great care.

“Goodbye, Cadell. I am grateful to you for doing this for Rhun.”

He nodded. Perhaps another man would have been of the opinion that he didn’t owe anything to the man who had destroyed his life and hurt the woman he loved. Or at the very least they would have convinced themselves that they could send someone to investigate in their place. But Cadell knew that he would not be able to live with himself if he didn’t go to England in person. And as he’d already established, being elsewhere would give him the perfect opportunity to come to terms with what had happened while making himself useful. What would he do otherwise? Mull things over every day? He would not last a week before he made a mistake.

“I will come back, Johanna, I swear.”

Damnation, why was it so hard to do the right thing?

“I know, it’s only…”

Yes, he knew. After being ignored by a family who never gave her the consideration she was due and abandoned by a husband who’d left her for months on end without a word, she found it hard to be on her own. He hated that he had to inflict that same suffering on her. But equally, he knew he had to give himself time so as to build their future on solid foundations. She didn’t deserve any less. After ten years of struggle, another few months would barely register.

Hopefully.

“I will not abandon you,” he repeated. “I love you.”

She had to trust in this, at least.

He vaulted onto his stallion’s back and rode away while he still had the strength to do so. Before taking the road to England, however, Cadell decided to go see his brother. This small delay wouldn’t hurt and the two men had not spoken since the debacle of his wedding to Johanna. Had it only been two days? It felt like weeks ago. He guessed that Siaspar would have handled the aftermath, spoken to the guests, reassured the priest and found a reasonable excuse to explain the cancellation of the ceremony but he needed to tell him what had really happened.

Siaspar could be trusted with the delicate information. And it was not as if no one had seen Rhun. The people of Bryn Glas were now aware that their master had not died months ago. Though they had sworn to Lord Sheridan that they would keep the secret, Cadell wouldn’t be surprised if word eventually got out and he didn’t want Siaspar to hear about the shocking events from anyone else.

Besides, he needed to get the weight off his chest. Talk about the guilt eating at him. He was alive only because Johanna’s husband had sacrificed himself. The man who had once ruined his life had now saved him. He was grateful, but at the same time, it was hard to bear.

He rode through the gate of Castell Esgyrn just as a fine drizzle started to fall. Siaspar was by the barbican, talking to his steward. As soon as he saw who had arrived, he nodded his dismissal to the man.

“I assume you have a good explanation for not marrying the love of your life the other day?” he said without preamble. Cadell almost snorted. Unfortunately, anyone, including Siaspar, would agree that his reason for not marrying Johanna was the best there could have been. “Does it have anything to do with that cut on your face? Do not tell me that the two of you came to blows?”

“Of course not. Let’s go inside,” Cadell said, nodding toward the great hall, “and I’ll tell you everything.”

Fortifying himself with a sip of wine first, he went on to relay Rhun’s shocking apparition in the solar the day he’d gone to confront Johanna after receiving her letter. By the time he’d finished his explanation, Siaspar looked thunderstruck, as could have been predicted.