Page 43 of Cadell the Dragon

It seemed too cruel. But what other options were there?

“I need a few days to think and come to a decision,” Rhun said, taking a step back from Johanna before glancing at his left arm. “As you can see, though I didn’t truly die, I am not quite the man I once was and I’m not getting any younger. My fighting days might well be over. But there must still be some way I can be useful to the cause. I only need to find out what.”

Cadell knew when he was being dismissed. Being in love with Johanna gave him no right over her. Her husband was back, and though no one was aware of it, it changed everything.

After one last glance at Johanna, he left the solar. Once again, he was having to renounce the woman he loved and hand her over to the Welsh warrior.

Knowing that, this time, had she been free to choose, she would have chosen him was no consolation.

12

“Johanna. I’m sorry.”

Sorry. Yes, Rhun could be sorry, Johanna thought with uncharacteristic ferocity, considering what he’d done. He had ruined her life and that of Cadell twice over with his selfishness.

Silence stretched in the room. Rhun had said he was sorry. Was he waiting for her to respond? What could she say? That she, too, was sorry, sorrier than he could imagine?

When she turned around, Johanna saw that he was a lot closer than she’d thought, standing right in front of her. Lost to her musings, she had not heard him come forward. But he was close as only a husband could be. Or a lover.

That proximity, which had once been normal, thrilling even, now felt odd, almost…wrong. Her husband was back but he didn’t look like the man she had once married or even sound like him. His voice was no longer that of a commanding warrior. It was as if by losing his arm he had also lost some of his former urgency. It did not make any of what had happened since the evening before easier to swallow, however, quite the opposite, as it had turned him into a man she didn’t know.

“Johanna,” Rhun repeated, his voice going even softer.

It was then that she saw that his eyes, too, had gone soft, or rather bright with intent. Her heartbeat instantly picked up. Was he— Did he mean to⁠—

“Rhun, I hope you don’t want to…”

Bed me, she wanted to say. But she could not finish the sentence; the words would simply not come out. This was not something she should say or dare even think. Everyone knew that a wife was not supposed to refuse her husband. And in ten years she had not denied Rhun once, even after she had lost her illusions on the success of their union. All she had done was to stop initiating their lovemaking.

She had hopes, however, that Rhun would heed her request not to be touched if she made her wishes clear. She could have accused him of many ills but being a forceful lover was not one of them. True, for a brief moment after discovering Efa’s predicament, she had wondered if her husband had not forced himself on a maid but she knew she should never have suspected him of such villainy. He had never once in ten years given her any cause for alarm.

“Forgive me, but I could not,” she breathed. “Not after…everything.”

Too many things lay between them. His deception, the shock of his reappearance, the crippling realization that a life with Cadell was now out of the question. She felt too wretched—and, if she were honest, also too guilty.

Had Rhun reappeared two months ago, once he’d recovered from his injuries, she would have been beside herself with relief and joy, despite the problems in their marriage. But now, though she was indeed relieved to see that he had not died, she could not help but feel that he had ruined her chances at having the life she had always dreamed of, with the supportive, loving husband she had hoped to find as a young girl.

“I understand,” Rhun said, taking a step back, proving she was right to trust he would respect her wishes. Even with a missing arm, had he been determined to get his pleasure, he would have found it easy to submit her to his will. He was still strong, the warrior who had once stirred her senses.

She let out a shaky breath. “Thank you.”

“I will wait.”

Wait.

Johanna’s heart sank. This made it clear that he did intend to resume their marriage, in all senses of the word. Except she knew this would never satisfy her. He might succeed in pleasuring her body—that had never been an issue between them—but he would never give her what she really needed outside the bed.

Attention.

Things might improve between them if his brush with death had given him a new perspective on life but she doubted that was the case. He had already hinted that he wanted to carry on being useful to the Welsh Cause. That could only mean one thing. He would stay hidden so as to be free to strike when the English least expected it, but he had no intention of giving up the fight.

The night before, once she had recovered from her swoon, she had hoped to be told it was all a misunderstanding, that her husband had not purposefully kept away from her, that he had tried to reach her but failed. But no. He had faked his death, knowing that she would mourn him and still he had not thought to make her privy to the secret. The pain of his deception had been searing, because he should have trusted her not to betray him.

“I need a moment alone,” she mumbled.

Rhun nodded. They both knew she would have to be the one leaving the solar, as he did not want anyone from the castle to see him. It suited her fine, as she desperately needed fresh air after the terrible confrontation between the two men.

Taking her cloak, Johanna made her way to the bailey, then to the ladder leading to the battlements. Cadell had not said where he would go when he had left, but she hoped he would have stayed at Bryn Glas, so that they could talk in private. If he had stayed, she guessed he would have gone to the battlements.