Page 34 of Cadell the Dragon

“Do you want to tell me?”

She nodded, her gaze on their joined hands.

“It took me quite a while to conceive,” she whispered. Cadell heard shame in her voice, as if she blamed herself for what she saw as her failure. He hated it. “At first we didn’t think anything of it or worry. I was still young and Rhun and I had only just married. Everyone told us that the wait was no cause for alarm. It happened. Then two years after our wedding, I finally fell with child.”

Something tightened inside Cadell’s chest. He had not seen any children with her, or heard any mention of babes she might have left in England while she established whether it was safe to bring them to Wales or not. And he had seen how she had behaved with the little girl who had run into her the day he had brought her back to Bryn Glas. There had been longing in her eyes, as if she wished she had such a daughter to hold.

She’d just said she had fallen with child. So what had happened? Had she lost it? Had the baby died during birth? Later on, of an illness? Had she been forced to abandon the child because it was a girl, and not the heir Rhun wanted?

He waited for the answer, knowing it would not be one he wanted to hear.

“The birth, a few months later, was…traumatic. He came too early and there was nothing we could do. He was already dead when they placed him on my chest.”

He.

So the poor babe had been old enough for her to know it had been a boy. Cadell tightened his hold on Johanna, who had started to sob quietly.

“I’m so sorry, cariad,” he said, using the Welsh endearment again. How good it was to be able to call her his beloved, even if it was in such sad circumstances.

“I almost died myself that night. The loss of blood was almost too much for me to recover from. But I did survive, against all odds.”

Cadell addressed a silent prayer of thanks to the person who had saved her. Hearing one day, quite by accident that she had died in childbirth would have been unbearable.

“After that, the midwife who attended me told me it was more than likely that my body had been too badly damaged to carry another healthy babe. And it is true that I never conceived again. But perhaps it is not so surprising, considering…”

He could tell she was embarrassed. But he had to ask, had to see this through to the bitter end. What she was about to say could not be worse than what she had already revealed.

“Considering?” he said gently.

“Rhun rarely came to my bed after that. It took months for my body to heal, and for me to accept the death of our son.” From the way she closed her eyes, it was clear she had still not fully accepted it. And no wonder. How could anyone accept such a thing? “By the time I was ready to welcome him back in my bed, circumstances had changed. The news of Scotland and Robert the Bruce’s victory at Bannockburn had given him and the other fighters new hope that independence could be achieved here as well.”

Yes, indeed by 1315, in other words, three years after their wedding, King Edward’s position in Scotland had dramatically changed. Cadell was not surprised to hear that Rhun would have seen this as a golden opportunity to weaken the already compromised English rule.

“He spent more and more time away from you, I take it?”

Johanna shrugged, betraying her weariness.

“Yes. He renewed his efforts, rarely coming home between his punitive expeditions here in Wales. It was as if he had lost interest in me. I was only his wife, after all, how could I compete with the glory of fighting for what he saw as right?” A sigh. “So given the fact that we rarely shared a bed in the second half of our marriage, perhaps it is not so surprising that I never conceived again.”

No. Perhaps not. And Cadell now understood why she had been so upset at the idea that Efa might be carrying Rhun’s child. It would have made his rejection of her even more painful, shown that even though he had lost interest in his wife, he’d still indulged his senses with other women.

It was hard for him to hear of all Johanna had gone through while he’d thought her happy in England with the husband of her choosing. The pain of her loss, the neglect she’d endured, the solitude, the shame, the resignation. And imagining her in bed with another man was killing him. But she needed to explain herself, and he needed to listen.

He also needed to make her understand that this tragedy did not make her less desirable in his eyes. He wanted her more than ever, and he would not let what had happened ruin his chance of having her, not when he felt she might feel something for him as well.

The way she had sucked on him earlier, as if she were the one deriving pleasure from the act… Jesus. It had been mind-blowing. Women did not do that to men they felt nothing for. Johanna might not be in love with him just yet, but she desired and respected him, which was more than he could have hoped for. And he was ready to die for her. That hadn’t changed, would never change.

With time, he was confident this marriage would give her what she had longed for all these years. Support, pleasure and happiness.

“So you see, if you married me, you would be marrying a woman who might never give you the children you deserve,” she concluded, lowering her gaze to the floor.

No. If they married he would be marrying the only woman he would ever love.

“Listen to me, Johanna.” Cadell felt as if he were about to deliver the most important speech of his life. And perhaps he was. So much was at stake. “Even if that midwife is right, which I’m not sure I believe, and your body suffered irreparable damage on that terrible day, it doesn’t mean a thing to me. I want to marry you because I love you, not for the children I may or may not get from you. Most men cannot know for sure that the bride they choose will bear them children. It is always a risk. And, for all we know, I might be barren, too. It is a possibility. But it matters not, anyway. If all I get from this marriage is a life with you, then I’ll be the happiest man on earth, because it’s you I want. Have always wanted.”

He meant every word. After having been separated from her for so long, he never wanted to spend a single day without her or a single night away from her warmth.

By now, Johanna was crying against his chest, but Cadell did not panic. He could tell these were tears of joy and relief, not sorrow. He gave her the time she needed, certain she would accept his offer once she’d had herself under control once more.