Page 33 of Cadell the Dragon

She stopped, not quite sure how to finish the sentence without being crude. While I sucked on you. It was one thing doing wicked things in the heat of the moment, quite another discussing it afterward, while looking someone in the eye.

“I…” He seemed to hesitate, which made her understand that he’d given her lewd instruction he was ashamed to repeat now that he could think clearly.

But when he spoke, his answer shocked her as much as the clap of thunder destroying her room the other day had shocked her.

“I told you I wanted to marry you. I said I never wanted to be without you for the rest of my life. I asked you to be my wife.”

Oh Lord.

He desired her because he loved her. And because he loved her, he wanted to marry her.

This was quite a lot to absorb.

Because she didn’t quite know what to think or say, Johanna asked another question. “Did you really propose in a language I don’t understand in a moment when I could not answer?”

While her mouth was full of him? Moments before his seed shot to the back of her throat? This had to be the most unlikely marriage proposal she had ever heard of. The most scandalous. The most heartfelt, honest and moving. Cadell twisted his mouth and tucked himself back into his hose, as if realizing what he had done and something flooded her chest. Amusement? Tenderness?

Love?

Johanna stilled. Had she fallen in love with Cadell as well, in those few weeks where he had been an unflinching support? Did she want this man by her side for the rest of her life, loving her, helping her, making her forget the pain of her past, indulging her desires? Yes, a hundred times yes.

Could she accept his offer?

No. It would not be fair to him.

By now her eyes were too full of tears for her to see anything.

“Cadell, I’m sorry. I cannot marry you.” The pain the declaration caused her was almost too much to bear. To think that she had actually found a good man who wanted her, who was in love with her and yet she was having to refuse his offer was too painful.

“Is it too early? Is that what you mean?” Cadell asked gently, lifting her right hand to him. The pad of his thumb started to rub soothing circles in the place where her wedding band had been for ten years. She had removed it the moment a man she didn’t know called Ioan ab Owain had come to inform her that her husband had fallen during an ambush.

“Did he give you any last message for me?” she’d asked, cold seeping through her bones.

It was clear the Welshman hadn’t expected the question and the look in his eyes betrayed the panic he felt at the idea of telling Rhun’s wife that she had not been in her husband’s thoughts at the end.

“I… Yes,” Ioan said eventually. “He said he hoped you would remember him in your prayers as he remembered you in his.”

As soon as the words passed the man’s lips she knew it was a lie. Rhun would never have said or even thought anything like that. He had not been overly religious, his only belief being in a free Wales. Johanna felt humiliated, stupid and angry all at once. Humiliated that the Welsh man had lied to give her the comfort he thought she needed to hear. Stupid for thinking she would be in her husband’s mind when he understood his end was near. Angry that the last ten years of her life had been wasted waiting for a man for whom she would never be enough.

It was a disaster. Her hopes of seeing her husband one day come back to her for good, gone up in smoke. Her efforts at maintaining their marriage alive, rendered useless. Her dreams of a fulfilled life, crushed. She couldn’t imagine ever recovering from the blows.

And yet here she was, wanting to give another man a chance. A good man, who was holding her in his arms.

“You’ve only been widowed for a few months, I know that,” Cadell said, his voice gentle. “But it matters not to me. We can wait until you feel comfortable enough to actually get married. As long as you tell me now that we⁠—”

“No, it’s not that. I don’t want to wait. But you will want a wife who can give you children, like every man does,” she said in a whisper. “And I’m not sure I can be that woman.”

In fact, she was almost sure she could not.

“Cariad. Why are you saying this? No one knows these things for certain.”

Cadell took Johanna’s other hand in his, bracing himself for the discussion to come. Heaven help him if she told him she thought herself too old to bear children. She was one and thirty, not the young bride she had been when she’d married her first husband, but far from old. Although, come to think of it, it was odd she had not given Rhun any children in ten years of marriage. Not as worrying as she seemed to think, but uncommon nonetheless. Not for a moment did he imagine Rhun had not bedded his beautiful wife.

He shook his head to chase the image away. The less he thought about the two of them in bed together, the better.

“I know, I cannot be certain,” Johanna started, “but I…”

There was such anguish in her voice that he swallowed. This would not be an easy confession.