Page 56 of True North

He blinked at my outburst, and I saw the instant he realized how badly he’d fucked up. But I didn’t give a shit. He said his piece, now it was my turn. The remorse on his beautiful face be damned.

“You want to carry that burden all by yourself, go for it, but remember one thing, North. History doesn’t remember the people who martyred themselves when they had people behind them who wanted to help. It doesn’t make you strong or saintly or pious. It makes you a stubborn fool. You want to drown in your secrets alone, go for it. Just know you were the idiot who ignored the lifeline that had been thrown to you.”

With that, I whipped around on my pencil-thin heel and stormed out. If he wanted to steep in those shadows, he was welcome to them. But I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I was sticking to the light.

TWENTY-SIX

IRIS

I sat on my meditation pillow in the middle of the sunroom, trying my hardest to find a calm that hadn’t existed since I walked out of North’s house the night before. Sure enough, I’d had myself a good, long crying jag in my bedroom last night, but when I woke up this morning, I was determined not to let another man have such a profound effect on my mood.

After a good saging, I pulled out my crystals, and focused on meditating, trying to clear away the negative energy that was determined to linger.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t working all that great. It had been a long time since I needed to be guided into a state of tranquility, but stupid North and his stupid face kept popping into my head every time I closed my eyes, so I was forced to put my earbuds in and resort to using an app to help me find my inner peace.

I was still searching for it when a tap on my shoulder caused me to jolt and fall backward off my cushion.

“Good goddess!” I flapped my arms and rolled, pushing myself up to sitting and shoved the hair out of my face. To my shock, Angela stood above me, a look of uncertainty on her face. I silenced the app and pulled my earbuds out. “Angela?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Your mom let me in. I thought you heard me.”

“It’s totally fine. I wasn’t expecting company.” I stood from the floor and waved her toward the loveseat against the wall, inviting her to sit down while I took the matching chair beside her. She still moved with a slight stiffness that belied pain, but it was nowhere near as bad as it had been the day I found her. She sat gingerly, and I did my best not to stare. I knew how hard it was to leave the house after what she suffered through. How it created a fear of the world that hadn’t been there before. The fact that she’d gotten up and dressed, even sporting a little bit of makeup over the fading bruises on her face, showed an incredible strength I sure as hell hadn’t been capable of so shortly after my attack.

Seeing her now filled my chest with a sense of pride and a relief that, maybe, hopefully, she would be okay.

“Would you like something to drink? We have coffee, tea, water . . .”

She shook her head, looking around the sunroom with a mixture of curiosity and trepidation. “I’m okay, thanks. You know, this room is so cool.” I saw the realtor peeking out of her as she took everything in. “The whole house, really. It’s not often you walk into a house and every room you enter feels like a big, warm hug.”

I smiled at her description, because that was always my and my mom’s goal when it came to the furniture or decorations we picked. “Thanks. We like it here.” We fell into a silence that was starting to border on too long. I could see she was struggling to find the right words, and I didn’t want to make it any more difficult, so I asked, “You look better, Angela. How are you feeling?”

She lifted her eyes from her lap and gave them to me. “I’m . . . I don’t know,” she finally admitted on a weary sigh. “There will be moments here or there where I forget what happened, but I always end up remembering, and when I do it all comes flooding back. Honestly, I feel like the only thing keeping me from scattering in a thousand different directions is my skin. But even that doesn’t really feel like it’s mine anymore. Not since he . . .”

I leaned forward, taking her closest hand in both of mine. “I know exactly what you mean. Your body doesn’t feel like your own right now. Like, what he did to it stripped you of ownership. But I promise you, you’ll get it back.”

Her eyes widened, her lips parting in surprise. “Were you . . .?” She trailed off, unable to voice the question. I understood that too. The corners of my mouth curved up in the tiniest smile that I hoped was reassuring. “My ex-fiancé. It happened a long time ago, but I was once right where you are, and I want you to know it does get better.”

A single tear broke free and trailed down her face. I released her hand so she could brush it away and interlocked my fingers in my lap to keep from reaching out and pulling her into a hug. Given what she’d been through, a touch like that might not be welcomed yet, and the last thing I wanted to do was trigger the poor woman.

“I have nightmares,” she confessed on a whisper, her eyes once more in her lap as she picked at her cuticles anxiously. “I’m hardly sleeping because every time I close my eyes, he’s there.”

“I know. After my attack, I thought I’d never sleep again. For a while, it felt like that was just another thing that son of a bitch had stolen from me.”

She nodded, wiping beneath her nose with the back of her hand. “That’s exactly what it feels like. He took so much from me. My sense of safety. My confidence. And now this.”

“Can I tell you a secret?” She nodded, her expression growing hopeful. “He might have taken that stuff from you in the moment, but it was temporary. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but it’s true. He doesn’t get to keep that shit, because it’s yours. You can take it back whenever you want. It only takes a little time. But when you finally feel strong enough, you’ll take it right back.”

Her eyes fell, the sadness returning. “It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever be strong enough for that.”

“Maybe not right now, but I swear to you, Angela, you’ll find that inner strength again. And one day, you’ll stop being scared, and you’ll get pissed. That’s when you’ll decide he doesn’t get to take anything more from you.”

“Did . . . did you have help when you were going through this?”

Oh, that question tore through my insides like a sword being plunged right through me. “I had my mom. She helped me through the worst of it. But I also started to see a therapist. I needed to talk to someone who didn’t have any kind of attachment to me.” Her face started to close down at the mention of therapy. I didn’t want to lose her, not when she was reaching out for a helping hand, so I quickly added, “That may not be the route for you, but if you change your mind, I’m happy to share her information. She really did help me.”

She nodded noncommittally but said nothing.

My ribs contracted around my lungs, making it hard to pull in a full breath as my heart broke for her all over again. “Have you talked to anyone? Any friends or family?”