Page 23 of Wolf

Julia shakes her head. She clearly doesn’t understand.

“We’re even, because we were both hidin’ a secret.”

“What?” she exclaims. Her eyes go even wider, the pools of blue expanding. I could get lost in them, drown in them.

I try to explain. “You didn’t know I went to jail. I didn’t know you had a son. That makes us even now, don’t it?”

I know as soon as I’ve said it that that was the wrong tactic. Her face shuts down and it’s like I’m looking at a stranger, a beautiful stranger. “I didn’t commit a crime by not telling you about Artie!”

“Damn, Julia, it’s not like I killed a guy in cold blood! I got charged with drug possession.” Falsely, I would add, except she’s shaking her head again and pointing at the door I just came through.

“It’s not the same. Please, go. I can’t do this right now.”

“Julia!”

“Mommy?” Artie’s between us, holding onto her hand. “Are you making Wolf leave?”

“Yes, baby. He’s got to leave now.”

His mouth opens and big tears fill eyes magnified by the lenses of his glasses. His pain stings me. I imagine that’s what parents feel, only a hundred times worse. “I don’t want him to go! I want him to stay!”

Julia makes a small, wounded sound. “He can’t stay here. He doesn’t live here.”

“I wish he did!” Artie releases Julia’s hand and balls his into tiny fists. He’s starting to shout. “I wish he could live with us and be with us all the time! I like him lots!”

“Stop.” I snap out of the paralysis I was in, watching their argument. I can feel my frustrations on the verge of boiling over and I can’t be here when that happens. I would never hurt either of them, after having already hurt them so much.

“Artie, it’s fine,” I say, and turn away. Hope sprang into his eyes as soon as I said his name. I can’t bear to watch it drain away. “Your mom wants me to go. I’ll go.”

“Thank you.” Anything else Julia might have said is drowned out as Artie begins to yell, shouting, “Why? Why? Come back!” at me as I walk out that door. Even slamming it behind me, I still hear him.

Even down the street, that shout of, “Why? Why?” echoes in my head, only by that point it’s my own voice.

Why is this happening? Why would someone do this?

Why can’t we just come together and figure this out?

Why do I keep fucking up?

Chapter 10

Julia

“You seem restless,” Mom observes.

“Okay, and?” I look up from sweeping in the kitchen to glare at my mother standing in the middle of my nice clean floor. “Unless you can do something about it to help me, which you can’t, it’s probably best for you to just leave me alone, Mom.”

She folds her arms over her chest. “This is my house now.”

Meaning she can do whatever she wants, and I have no right to tell her to do anything because I’m staying here free of charge.

I grip the broom handle tight and resume sweeping, pushing crumbs, dust, and who knows what else into a pile. “If I didn’t have to be here stepping on your toes, I wouldn’t. I’ll leave as soon as I can. I just need to sort things out and get a job.”

And find childcare. And an apartment. Three things not so easy to accomplish in a small town like this. I know some people drive to Jacksonville and back every single day for their jobs.

Arms wrap around me from behind. I freeze. A head settles on my shoulder. Mom speaks softly into my ear. “I don’t want you to go anywhere until you’re absolutely ready. That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?” I stand rigid, my feet planted firmly on the floor. “Because yes, I’m restless. This whole thing with Malcolm isn’t going the way I wanted. I want to do something about it, but I can’t. All I can do is divert my attention to what’s around me and since I’m living in your house and don’t want to be a burden, that means housework.”