Page 97 of Come Take Me Now

“Yep, it’s in Dad’s garage. I might scrap it or see if anyone wants it. Time to let that dream go,” I answer, combing the veggies into one large bowl.

“Were you dating me to maybe marry me someday?” she asks.

I look up from the bowl. I should have known she’d circle back. “That’s a loaded fucking question, Till,” I half-tease. “I think we need wine with dinner on that note. I was thinking of a Pinot or even rosé, depending on what you want. Either would go with the chops.” Now, I’m the one rambling. I lift my gaze from the counter, and she meets my eyes from the other side of the kitchen island.

“Enzo…” she trails off.

I feel my face fall. “What?”

She holds my eyes with hers. “What are we doing?” Her face is expressionless, and I can’t read her.

“I’m gauging if you want wine,” I answer, purposely naively.

Tilly rolls her eyes. “No. Like us. What are we doing?” she repeats.

I set the knife down and place my palms flat on either side of the cutting board. “What do you want us to be doing?”

“I just want to go back to the way it was.”

I laugh out of exasperation. “Which way? When I was still self-medicating? Or after—when I still wasn’t thinking straight?” I shake my head and pause.

“Are you thinking straight now?”

“Fuck, I hope so. Honestly, I think it’s in our best interest to—”

“No! Wait, wait, wait. You’re not allowed to end this!” she snaps, interrupting me. “Come on, E,” she says softer.

I raise my eyebrows at her. “That’s not where I was going, Tilly.”

“Oh.” Her eyes dart away. “Shit, sorry.”

“We have to move forward. We were both so fucked up all summer.” That might come across wrong. “I mean, you were fucked up because of your dad.”

“Yeah, I get it,” she adds, averting her eyes from me.

“But I held you too tightly. Tried to control too much, be the savior I thought you needed. I’m still working on this version of myself, so I can be who you need.” I walk around the island, and she turns to face me. “I hope you want me too.” I don’t know if I’m trying to keep her comfortable with me, or if it’s because my throat tightens at the thought of losing her forever now.

“Of course, I want you, Enzo. But I’m going to San Diego soon,” she whispers.

“I know.”

“Will we make it?”

“You’ll have long weekends and breaks. And I fully expect you to spend next summer in my bed. It’s not forever either,” I say.

“Do that for two years?”

“It’s not even a full two years at this point.”

She sighs. “You’re okay with me being nine hours away?”

“Only two if you fly from either Sacramento or San Fran. I checked. We can do this if you’re open to it,” I say. “You’re going to need to find some birth control, though. We’re going to have to make up for it when we see each other.”

She giggles. “I can do that, but I just can’t believe you’re so open to this. We talked about it before, but you sound so…confident now.”

Because my thoughts are clear and undramatized by chemicals.

I pace away from her and rub the back of my neck. “Look, I lost you once. Actually, twice. I’m not doing it again. And if I have to let you go to keep you, then it is what it is.” Her eyes narrow as she processes my words.