Page 71 of Haunting Goats

LYRIC

Iland in Attie’s arms, and I feel like I have whiplash. He places a gentle but firm kiss on my forehead before slowly lowering me to my feet. His grip is fairly tight for someone who’s about to let me go. I’m trembling from shock or fear or both.

“Jesus, Lyr. Are you okay? I thought I’d lost you forever.” He flinches.

I try to speak, but I can’t. The words clog my throat, and I reach for my neck and cry. I don’t know how else to express the heaviness of what just happened and the weight of my emotions around it.

The guilt gets to me as I reflect on the demons. I had no control over myself. What would have happened if the reaper hadn’t brought me back?

I search for Cash. When my eyes land on him, I begin yelling profusely.

“You stupid son of a bitch! What the hell is wrong with you? God!”

I can’t stop. I’m enraged as I reminisce over the years living under his roof. This is just the cherry on top. He snickers and I lurch forward. Attie wraps his arms around me, holding me back as I thrash and kick.

“I hate you! I fucking hate you!”

This man has ruined my life. I’m not letting him flip my afterlife in the In-Between upside down, too. He’s taken enough. All of them have. I’m not giving up any more pieces of me unwillingly.

When Attie thinks I’ve given up, he delicately sets me down and spins me around to look at him. Gripping my cheeks, his eyes flicker between mine. He looks desperate and anxious. I reach up and place my palm against his chest, where his heart should be.

“Don’t do that.” he says tearfully, his voice cracking.

I analyze him.

“Do what?” I say sadly.

“Leave me.” He lets out an exasperated sigh, as if he’s been holding his breath; like the weight of the world is released in his words.

“I—” I don’t know what to say, and I find myself stuttering because of it.

“I’m sorry, Attie. It wasn’t my fault.” My words start tumbling out as if I can’t say them fast enough.

“He pushed me. I fell. I didn’t mean it, I swear…”

Tears stream down my face as I apologize extensively. I keep telling myself that he doesn’t believe me; that he thinks I left on purpose, and the feeling makes me sick to my non-existent stomach.

He leans down and swallows my sorrow. His lips brushing against mine, his tongue circling mine, he claims me publicly, and I realize how much of this man is mine. His kiss melts me, and for just a minute, I forget about all the bad, all the hardship, the downfall, the inconvenience, the impatience, and the anxiety. I let it roll off me and dissolve into nothingness.

Someone clears their throat, and it pulls me back into reality. Letting my lips linger just a second longer, I gently ease away from Attie and peer around the room. Cash interjects.

“That was lovely, but wrap it the fuck up already. I’ve got shit to do and it doesn’t include standing here watching you two make out like horny teenagers.”

He shuffles his feet and begins swaying vigorously. The Grim Reaper penetrates its own silence.

“It’s time to go, Cash. A deal is a deal.”

I catch the reaper turning to Kristine, “And you,” it says. “Come with me, and we shall make a more… appropriate descent to our destination.”

Kristine drops her knees from her chest, propping herself more erect against the wall.

“Destination?” she asks timidly.

“Yes,” the reaper answers pointedly, “I’ll be escorting the two of you to Hell. The demons are quite busy this time of year.”

This is the last time I’ll ever see Cash or my mother. I wish things were different. I wish that I had the type of mom I always wanted—one who accepted me, who could meet me where I’m at, one who gave me endless support and advice, but that’s not the mother I got. When I remind myself of that, it makes it easier to watch her leave.

I don’t say goodbye; I don’t beg the reaper to let her stay; I glance at her and then back down at my feet. The old me would feel guilty. She’d want to fix this, she’d offer second chances like she’s always done, but the old me is dead… and the new me craves even an ounce of peace, because once I have it, I know there’s nothing anyone can do to disrupt it.