Page 45 of Leaning In

Claire

Ithink I’m a bit drunk. Actually, scrap that, I know I’m a bit drunk. My limbs feel like they’re incredibly light and heavy at the same time. The room looks odd… blurry. I didn’t mean to drink this much, but some days just call for it.

“Claire, are you alright?”

I turn to see who’s speaking. It’s Kath. She looks pretty. I should tell her that. It was fun doing her hair. It was so soft. And her eyes look nice too. I love her eyes. They’re such a lovely shade of brown, just like Tom’s. Though his are slightly lighter.

“You look pretty,” I tell her.

Kath smiles at me before grabbing my hand.

“Thank you. You look very pretty too. Now. Would you like some water?”

I shrug, and pull out my phone to text Sophia. She’s sensible and also pretty. She always knows what to do. Kath patiently waits by my side as I take two attempts to unlock my phone.

Me: Shalllllll I drnk sme water?

Sophia replies almost immediately. This is one of the many reasons I love my sister.

Sophia: Very much yes, drunk Claire. A hard yes.

Sophia: In case that text looked blurry to you: *GIF of a cat aggressively nodding*

Sophia: Sorry about Alexander. Are you alright?

Sophia: Remember you’re seeing Mum tomorrow. Sorry I can’t come.

I groan. I forgot. Sophia’s away at some conference, meaning I’m on my own. Though why she’s spending her annual leave at a conference is beyond me.

Me: Oh no. Now I want mre wineeeeeeeeeeee. Lve YoU

Sophia: Love you too

Kath and Sam’s new house is amazing. It must be nice to end up with someone who’s known you your whole life. That way they know all of you, not just the best version. Even the messy parts of yourself that you always try to hide.

“Every version of you is wonderful. The right person will see that,” Kath tells me.

Oops, I guess I said that last bit out loud.

“You did, and that bit too.” She chuckles but looks at me sadly, her brown eyes wide with concern.

Kath shouldn’t be sad. This is her party.

“I’ll get some water,” I tell her, waving her off. “You go and have fun.”

I slowly make my way to the kitchen, weaving through the crowd. It takes me a surprisingly long time in my heels. Balancing in a spinning room is no small feat.

My mind flips back to Alexander again. The last weeks have been like a rollercoaster. Two dates, then a garden party, then another few dates, which I convinced myself I was enjoying. I ignored it when he made jokes about my spelling in texts, I overlooked it when he complained how I wasn’t being strategic with my career after knowing me for a week. The red flags were red flagging, but I was so happy to be with someone my parents, specifically my mum, approved of that I just nodded along to everything.

But this morning he texted saying he’d “had fun but didn’t think this would go any further”.

I’m not even good enough for boring Alexander.

I can’t get anything right.

My eyes start welling up and I shake my head. Not tonight. Grabbing a pint glass off a shelf I slowly fill it up. I’ve drunk about half when I hear someone come in behind me.

“Evening, Claire.”