Page 47 of Until The Lights Go Out

Everything stilled.

Her breath caught.

Mine did too.

Her hand was small and warm in mine.

For a moment, neither of us moved.

Something unfamiliar bloomed low in my chest, something bigger than friendship and far more terrifying. But then Maisey sighed and looked at the stars.

“I think…who cares what anyone thinks? Keep chasing your dreams Theo, even if it’s scary. Do it scared.”

“Do it scared,” I repeated, trying to convince myself of it. It was sort of the perfect metaphor for racing. And life, I guess.

“You’re still slower than me on the straight.” She poked me.

I groaned and let go of her wrist, leaning back against the hood. “And there she is.”

She laughed, bright and warm, and laid her head lightly against my shoulder. I froze for half a second, then let myself relax into it. Above us, the stars stretched endless and bright.

“Did you talk to your dad about the big sad?” I asked.

“It sounds so funny when you say it like that,” she laughed off the question.

“Maise…” I tried again. She had opened up to me about having these really sad, dark feelings a few times over the last season. I had tried to tell her to talk to her dad or mom about it, that they could probably help. Her parents were sort of amazing, and they would be the type to help instead of pushing it away and ignoring it. They were not like my dad.

“Yeah… I actually had this appointment with this doctor. I was pretty freaked about it beforehand, but she was really nice. I explained it all, how sometimes the world felt too heavy, the good days switching to bad days on a dime. She called them depressive episodes and started me on some medication for it. It kinda makes it all numb. I don’t know if I like it.”

“I looked up some stuff too…”

“Theo Bauer, did you get lost in WebMD? You know it’ll just tell you I’m dying or something.”

“I’m serious Maise.”

“Okay, okay, what did you find?” she asked, still staring up at the sky as I watched her.

“I guess it’s hard to find the right medication, but you can try others, ones that don’t mute everything.”

“Huh. Yeah I guess I could say something. I don’t know, I just guess I thought the cure to feeling too much was nothing at all.”

“That doesn’t sound like a great way to live.”

“Rather dull, actually,” she sighed.

“But you’re feeling better?”

“Yeah I think so… It’s easier when it’s the season; I can focus on racing. Off-season and being home, I don’t know… It’s just so lonely.”

“Yeah, off-season sucks,” I agreed. “I’m sorry it’s hard Maise, I wish I could be there.”

“Me too.” She turned to face me, letting her head rest on her palm. “Wanna run away together? Maybe back to America? We could raise cows!”

“I have never once wanted to raise cows.”

“But they’re so fluffy and cute! The ones with big horns!” she insisted, going on a rant about highland cows.

Down below, the hotel lights glowed like another world entirely. But up here, it was just us. Truth was, no one knew me like Maisey did. It felt like this giant fragile thing that was just waiting to break because I was starting to think I knew her just as well. And I was starting to want things I had no business wanting.