Page 101 of Finding His Silver Fox Daddy

I blinked, assessing my body as I moved to sit up next to him. But then I hated the lack of closeness, so I rested my head on his shoulder. “Sore, but that’s to be expected.”

His neck twisted, and I felt his lips on the top of my head. “Anything I can do to help?”

I smiled though I knew he couldn’t see it. “You’re doing it, baby.”

I swore I felt him smile back as he interlaced his fingers with mine and laid our folded hands on our outstretched legs.

A few quiet minutes passed, and I was almost feeling back to myself by the time Tris spoke again. “Um, Henry?”

His tone had me shifting to face him, releasing his hand. An involuntary shiver wracked my body as I did, and I saw Tristan eyeing me. He reached for the throw blanket at the end of the bed and dragged it up my legs and into my lap. I smiled my thanks. “Yes, my sweet boy?”

“How are you, really? Emotionally, mentally, everything.” He took a breath, his chest heaving beneath his T-shirt. His next words were a whisper. “I could tell you weren’t okay as soon as you shifted into pain play with Carter. Why didn’t you safeword?”

My eyes widened. “You could tell?”

He nodded solemnly.

“Fuck.”

Tristan grabbed my hand again, squeezing it. “It’s okay. I don’t think anyone else noticed. They would’ve been too focused on Carter.”

“Really?” The hopeful tone in my voice sounded almost boy-like.

He smiled at me. “Really.”

I sighed, irritated with myself. Why did the idea of others seeing me struggle bother me so much?

“I’m not trying to tell you what to do, Henry, but I don’t think you should keep doing this. It’s hurting you.”

Instantly, I wanted to shut down, acquiesce, avoid a real conversation and defer to him, but he deserved to know that I’d already come to that same conclusion months ago. He deserved to see all of me, including my shame: that I did a scene I wasn’t comfortable with so I wouldn’t upset Carter. That I was more concerned with people pleasing than taking care of my own needs.

I thought I’d moved past this with Carl all those months ago, when I’d finally stood up to him. But healing wasn’t linear, as Shawn always said, and he often reminded me that I’d have setbacks, that I’d have to keep fighting the same battles over and over until my automatic reactions were more aligned with what I really wanted.

Shawn had told me many times that our gut reaction was our programming and the second one was the person we were trying to be. My first instinct was to do what I’d always done: keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I’d been passive in relationships, always stayed silent and deferred to the other person because I didn’t want to make waves. It had never felt safe to do so.

But with Tristan? I didn’t have to keep anything inside. I was safe with him, and what I really wanted was to show him all of me. The last few months with him had been the best of my life, and though it wasn’t always easy and I didn’t always get it right, we were exploring who we were as a couple, creating a space for both of us to grow into the people we were meant to be as we learned how to express our feelings openly and honestly and healed from the pain of our past.

I knew, if given the chance, Tristan and I would share the love of a lifetime. We were already nearly there—at least I was. I loved him with everything I was, yet I’d held back from telling him until I knew he was ready.

But could I really know when that would be?

Was it time to tell him how much I adored him? The man I wanted to be would tell Tris the truth of his feelings. I didn’t want to keep it to myself anymore. But fear was real and all-consuming—if he knew the depth of my affection for him, would he run away again?

Finally, I sighed, shaking away my deep thoughts and responding to his assertion. “I actually made that decision before you came in.” I let out a self-deprecating sniff. “I realized it back in October after our last scene, yet I still agreed to do it again. But I can’t anymore—it’s too much. I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

Tristan’s whole body relaxed. “I’m glad. I hated watching that.” He smirked. “Well, it was hot, at least until you started struggling. And then I hated that it was causing you so much pain.”

I eyed him. “That’s really sweet, baby. And if it wasn’t me inflicting the pain, I would’ve found it really hot, too.”

Tristan fanned himself playfully. “The sensory play was so sexy, Daddy. I think we may need to try that ourselves.”

The corner of my mouth quirked up. “I think that could be arranged.”

My boy’s eyes flashed, and he leaned in to stage-whisper, “But I think you need to be on the table. Like maybe when we finally make it to Portland.”

A hit of lust stronger than I’d ever felt in my life stole the air from my lungs. “I’d love that, Angel Baby,” I replied once I’d gotten my voice back, snuggling into him.

We stayed until we heard the music cut off, indicating the next scene was about to start. Timothy’s muffled introduction meant that he would soon be in here to clean up while the demonstration occurred.