Page 63 of Crosswind

I put the tea down.

This is the situation: we had sex this morning. Before breakfast. And the morning before that. And yesterday afternoon. I have stopped counting but the number is high for four days and I want to be clear that I have no complaints whatsoever.

He is not doing anything. He is standing in the doorway looking at the pool deciding something — the Jan that exists before the composure comes fully online, unhurried, entirely himself.

I think: Impossible.

Less than two hours ago.

Apparently not.

The thing about Jan is that this is nothing like anything I have had before. Jan pays attention to everything and does so here too, unhurried, with the same focused competence he brings to all things, and the result is the best sex of my life. Repeatedly. Including things I hadn't understood were available to me.

I think about Maya briefly and without blame. The weight of always being the one who initiated, always being the one who wanted, the loneliness of feeling like your desire is something the other person tolerates rather than meets. She wasn't unkind. She simply wasn't always there. And I spent years telling myself that was normal.

I was not wanting too much.

I was wanting Jan.

He turns from the doorway and sees me looking at him.

"What," he says.

"Nothing," I say.

He looks at me for a moment with the expression he uses when he knows I am thinking something and is deciding whether to enquire.

I stand up.

I cross the terrace.

I take his hand and say: "Come inside for a minute."

He looks at me. Then at the pool. Then back at me.

"Patrick," he says. "We had sex this morning."

"I know."

"Two hours ago."

"I'm aware of the timeline."

He looks at me. The not-quite-smile arriving despite what I can see is his best effort. "You just saw me in my shorts."

"That is," I say, with complete dignity, "a contributing factor."

He looks at me for another moment.

Then he takes my hand and goes inside.

That afternoon I am briefly, unreasonably, mildly jealous.

It is not serious. I want to be clear about that. It is the completely irrational jealousy of someone who has no actual cause for concern and is having feelings anyway.

What happens is this: I come back from the pool bar with two drinks and there is a man talking to Jan.

I stop.