Page 51 of Operation: Ogre

“Oh, baby.” I kissed the top of his head, wishing the bonnet wasn’t in between me and his hair. “I’m right here.”

“What if this… What if I mess up?”

I tightened my hold. “No matter what, I’m staying right here with you.”

Chris gripped my hoodie, not responding. I continued to kiss the top of his head and hold him firmly in my embrace.

Lying on my back, I Boogle-d on my phone. I had to know what that had been. Chris was pressed against my side, his face tucked into my armpit. He’d been clingy the rest of the night, not wanting to be away from me for even a minute, and I didn’t mind in the slightest. I wanted him to feel as secure about me as I did about him.

As I researched, I dragged my fingers over his spine. Hopefully, my touch would help him sleep better. When I put what I’d witnessed into the search bar, the first thing that came up was a recommendation on how to help with panic attacks.

I glanced at Chris, who was deeply sleeping against me. Panic attacks. He was having panic attacks. How many? It probably hadn’t been just that one. How many had he been hiding or brushing off?

“Oh, my Christopher,” I whispered.

He grunted in his sleep, then nuzzled me as he made a happy sound.

Turning back to my phone, I started reading articles, blogs, and even forums about panic attacks and undiagnosed anxiety. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to help him, but I also didn’t want to overstep. The remembrance of Christopher shaking in my lap as he struggled to breathe rushed back. My fingers curled into a tight fist against his back. I had to do something for him.

All night, sleep eluded me, and I continued to run my fingers over Chris to soothe him. When the alarm went off, he woke up with a smile. I watched him closely all morning, but he didn’t show any signs that yesterday had even happened. I didn’t bring it up, because I didn’t want to upset him.

Classes passed slowly as I simply waited for a moment to do what I’d planned last night. I didn’t know if it was a good idea, but I couldn’t do nothing. I cared about Chris too much.

The second I was free, I headed over to the medical center. Thankfully, when I opened the door, Dr. Lee was by himself. He looked up from his computer. “What can I do for you?”

I swallowed. I did not think this through. I couldn’t talk to people.

He lifted his eyebrows.

I wrung my hands. Fuck. I had to say something. This was Chris. He needed me.

Dr. Lee stood. “Are you alright?”

I nodded and took a deep breath. I could do this. “I need…”

“Yes?”

I wet my lips. “I need to know more about panic attacks.”

“Are you having panic attacks?” the doctor asked as he waved toward the chair.

“No. My… boyfriend is.”

“Ah. Christopher Kim. I did wonder.”

“You did?”

Dr. Lee didn’t answer. “Has something happened?”

For a few long moments, I battled myself. I wasn’t sure if Chris would like me telling someone about what I’d seen. In the end, my worry for him won. Carefully, I told Dr. Lee about last night and my concerns. All he did was nod as he listened. When I finished, I asked, “What do I do?”

“Be there for him, Jaxon. You clearly care about him, and from what I’ve seen, he cares about you. If you can, encourage him to come see me or talk to a mental health professional.”

“I'm worried about him.”

Standing, Dr. Lee clapped my shoulder. “I know. But you can’t make him get help. All you can do is be there for him and encourage him, alright?”

“Yeah.” Well, I could do that. Nothing would pull me from Christopher’s side.