Page 71 of Pursuing Desire

My hand is still on his cheek. I reach up around his neck and try to tug him down to me, but he resists.

“Let me help you replace the images, Dax,” I implore.

But he shakes his head. “No, I can’t kiss you right now. I’m struggling to understand everything that’s gone on tonight, and I’m not sure how to handle it.”

“Don’t let Anthony—” I start.

But he cuts me off and takes hold of my shoulders. “No, I don’t want to hear that bastard’s name out of your lips again. Every time your sweet voice says his name, I get furious all over again.”

I don’t know how to react when Dax is in this mood. This is new territory for us. So I do the only thing I can think of. I go onto my tiptoes and press my lips against his.

He rips his mouth away and steps back from me.

Stunned, I can only stare. His rejection hurts more than I’d ever want to admit, even to myself. That hurt makes me want to lash out, and so that’s what I do.

“So, what, you don’t want to even kiss me now?” I demand. “You’re so insecure about yourself that you think I’m having sex with someone else. You won’t even believe me when it’s obvious I’m telling you the truth. Is that it?”

He gives a harsh laugh. “Insecure? No. It’s not insecurity. I believe you. I know you’re telling the truth, and yes, I want to kiss you. I want to wipe every damn memory of that asshole out of both of our brains. But right now, I can’t go near you. It’s not because I don’t want to. It’s because I’m trying to keep a tight leash on my emotions.”

His hands are balled up on his sides again, and I can see the inner fight he’s waging on himself, and all I want to do is soothe him. I want things to be alright again. I want to go back to the way we were this morning.

Was it really this morning? In twelve hours, we went from bliss to complete shit.

I need him to understand that I’m here for him, just as he was here for me. Whether or not he realizes it, he craves my touch, just as I crave his.

I take a step toward him and take one of his fists into my hands. I bring it up to my lips. “Please, don’t be mad at me. If I’d known what he was planning, I’d have done something about it. I’d have told you, warned you. I wish none of that had happened, but there’s nothing I could’ve done to prevent it.”

“Jess, I’m not mad at you. I know tonight wasn’t your fault. I’m upset at the situation he put you in. If I’d been thinking rationally, I never would’ve accused you of being with him in the first place. Something just snapped when I saw him sitting next to you. And I wasn’t prepared to feel the way I did, to care as much as I did.”

I know what I have to do. He needs me now. I take another step forward, and I lean up and wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down to me.

This time, he kisses me back after the smallest hesitation.

His hands are on my hips, and his mouth is moving against mine, but he is firmly in control. The pressure of his hands on my hips is keeping me from moving any closer.

“Is that all you’ve got?” I whisper when he leans back, breaking contact.

“Jess, I want to kiss you more than anything, but I’m out of my mind right now. Whenever I think of him hurting you, it breaks me.”

“That’s because you’re kind and caring, and you want to protect those around you. It shows what kind of person you are.”

These aren’t just words to me. I believe them wholeheartedly. The person he shows to the world is much different from the man in front of me. He wants everyone to believe he’s this fun-loving guy without a care in the world, but I see through him. He cares, sometimes too much, and it eats him alive when those around him are suffering.

He’s not the man I once thought he was.

The truth hits me in the heart like a sledgehammer. My chest tightens, and it’s not from the lack of oxygen due to running after Dax on our long walk. No, it tightens because now I realize what’s been in front of me all along.

I’m falling for Dax.

But that can’t be. I hate him.

Liar, liar, pants on fire. You know that’s not true.

I’m falling for him, and I can’t stop what I’m about to do.

An uncertain look crosses his face. “I’m feeling all these intense emotions at once, and I don’t know how to handle them,” he confesses.

“I’m feeling them, too. And I don’t know how to handle it, either.”