Page 89 of Only Ever You

You’re in your head. You don’t listen to me. You don’t listen to your body. You’re a slave to your own doubts. Let go. Don’t come back until your own mind isn’t in the way.

Her words pounded in my head as I rushed off the ice. All I wanted was to be away from the rink, but the second I stepped into the empty hallway, all the air left my lungs. I couldn’t breathe. My chest ached, and it felt like my jacket was strangling me. I tore off the fabric and threw it on the concrete floor.

The panic was so much worse than the time Dean found me. Forehead covered in sweat, I slid down the wall under the staircase and cried. When my uncle found me, he sat down and held me until I stopped crying and shaking. He reminded me to breathe deeply while reassuring me I was safe and that he was there for me.

It took a lot of work on my side to convince him not to tell Uncle Ben. The next time it happened, I was alone, but the breathing technique Uncle Tom had shown me helped me get through it. After that, Dean was usually with me when the panic took over.

Now, even after all that, the Double Axel is one of my favorite elements, and I nailed it during my program at the Olympics. I always insist that Elena include it in my programs, especially the one I’m learning now. She sent the finalized layout a week ago—the new choreography and jump passes she created go with “Ma Meilleure Ennemie,” the song I chose.

Coach Gonzalez praised me like a proud father after today’s practice. Elena was more restrained, probably because she could tell I was in my head. After all these years, she knows me as well as my parents do.

I’ve got to get thoughts of last night out of my mind so I can focus on my studies and on perfecting my skating program. Memories of Michael should stay in that closet. He is a distraction.

The door of our suite opens, and Blake steps inside. Smiling, she drops her duffel bag on the floor and pads across the room. She looks good in anything, even her black shorts and loose white tee.

“I thought you’d go back to bed after practice.” She slumps into the chair across from me. “Did you get enough sleep?”

I lift my mug. “I made coffee. Figured I’d stay up so I can be in bed by nine tonight.” I take a sip and shudder. It’s bitter and has already gone cold. “Never mind. I’ll need to get myself another cup if I want to make it through the day.”

She laughs. “You should come out with Kylie and me. She wants to go shopping and begged me to join her, and…I’m not the biggest fan of the mall, more so when she’s on a mission to spend money. She always fucks with my head, and by the end of the day, I’m buried alive in clothes I don’t even need.”

“So…you want me to go with you so she’ll fuck with my head too?” I try to suppress a smile and fail.

Ducking, she rubs the back of her neck. “I promise, it’s a good distraction. We can shop, talk shit about boys, and ignore anything that has to do with school or practice.”

I assess her in silence. Isn’t this what Mom and Dad want for me? To make friends, have fun? Since I moved to Boston, Ellie is the only friend I’ve made, really. And she’s going to college in Boston. Maybe Blake could be a friend too.

I stand and grab my mug from the table. “I’m in.”

“Yay!”

“When are we leaving?”

She picks up her phone and checks the time. “Around lunchtime? I need a shower first.”

“Okay.” I wash my mug and set it on the counter. “That gives me two hours to relax. Better put on something that’ll keep me from falling asleep. Looks like it’s time for a Death Note rewatch.”

“Another anime?”

I nod.

“That’s not fair.” She sticks out her bottom lip. “I want to watch it with you.”

Shaking my head, I shuffle toward my bedroom. “You have to finish every season of Jujutsu Kaisen first. After that, I’ll introduce you to the masterpiece that is Demon Slayer.”

“Isla,” Blake groans.

“See you in two hours,” I throw over my shoulder, closing the door to my room.

At eight, the Scott sisters eat while I sip on my water with lemon. We spent almost four hours at the mall, and Blake was right. I don’t know how, but Kylie can convince anyone to buy anything, I swear.

I survey the four shopping bags beside me in the booth. Jeans, hoodies, T-shirts, two dresses, and three skirts. What was I thinking? I don’t know. But at least my parents will be thrilled I’m going out more.

“You aren’t hungry?” Kylie asks me, leaning back.

“I’m full.”

“You feeling okay?”