Page 8 of Once I Find You

I can’t do that to him.

I have to protect him the same way he protected me.

I delete my words and sigh. I can’t trust everyone on the forum. I know anyone can just make an account, and see everything posted here. There are thousands of members already. I have to make sure no one can find out who he is, or else he’s in danger.

Only one other comment suggests military, so I comment on it trying to deflect their opinion, and hope that they move on from it.

If I’m actively trying to find him, I have to make sure no one else can even come close. I wonder if he knows how many people sit and research him?

I move to open my thick notebook, which I’ve filled with notes, newspaper clippings, and anything I can about The Hangman over the last year. I’ve been studying everything I could. I’m trying to figure out how he chooses his next victim. I know for sure he must go on the public court website, but how does he choose who is next?

It seems almost random. Almost.

Except that he seems to go by severity sometimes, then sometimes he goes by age of the accused’s victim, sometimes he goes by length of time acquitted, sometimes he chooses only those never sentenced.

He changes it up every quarter. He’s very smart. It’s hard for people to sit and put together when he changes, because he rotates that as well.

But I think I have him figured out. I think I know who he’s going for next. If he does; then I can find him. If he kills who I think he will, then that means I’ve unlocked his pattern. And I’ll know the one after that, too. Then, all I have to do is find where they live. And then, I will find him.

It’s exciting…but also anxiety-inducing.

I sigh and close the notebook, laying my head against the couch. I really am worried now that someone will find him. Plus…everyone seems to be losing their minds over how sexy he is. And I’ll admit I’m jealous. I mean, it’s hard to see everyone say that.

What if he wouldn’t like someone like me? Maybe he’d prefer someone more conventionally attractive, or someone more experienced.

Someone less broken.

No, that’s it. No more being afraid.

I stand up from the couch and march over to my bed, pick up my pretty vibrator, and sit on the bed.

I’ve watched a lot of porn and read a lot of romance books, because I want to know how sex is supposed to be. Maybe fictional sex wasn’t the best idea for learning…but that’s all I had. And I’ve learned a lot.

Now, I just want to learn how to feel good. I’m just so afraid it’s going to suddenly…not feel good. That if I don’t practice now, maybe if I try to have sex, I’ll suddenly relive everything from my past and ruin it.

And what if…I find him, and he wants me too, and then I totally ruin the moment. I’m sure he won’t know what to do with me if I do, and I don’t want to fumble my chance with him.

I want to feel sexy.

And maybe bold. And confident.

So, fuck it. I can be bold. I’m not scared to try. I lay back against my pillows, and I pull up a porn website on my phone. I watch for a few minutes…but I don’t really feel it. Come on Layla, there’s literally sex in front of you!

I sigh. What can I do? Should I just…do it and wait to feel the need?

I use my thumb to leave my browser application, and subconsciously I go straight to the forum. I open the picture of him again…and I really let myself appreciate him without thinking about the semantics of figuring him out.

I zoom in, looking at the absolute tank of a man on the screen and I…imagine.

I can imagine those strong hands on me. The way his size and strength could lift even someone who weighs as much as I do. I imagine him picking me up and tossing me onto his bed like a man starved. The way he’d stalk closer to me with that mask on, telling me that he’s going to take me. Telling me how bad he needs my body and wants to make me his.

I turn on the vibrator for the first time, and with a deep breath I slip it past my pants into my panties, and I jump a little when I feel the sensation hit my pussy, pulling up just slightly.

It…isn’t bad at all. I take another breath and let it move back down over my clit.

He’d spread my legs open after tearing off my clothes, and he’d settle between my thick thighs. He would lift his mask up only enough for his mouth to be uncovered and then flatten his tongue to give a single lap from the bottom to the top of my pussy. His tongue lingering on my clit; flicking quickly as his hands clench my thighs with a bruising grip, as if he was trying to stay controlled.

I’m a moaning mess, giving completely in to the pleasure he’s giving me. He expertly tongues and sucks on me; his animalistic growls against my pussy causing vibrations that only further my peak.