Page 33 of Once I Find You

“Yeah?”

All I can do is smile in response, and he lets out a huff. His massive chest flexes as he puts the phone in his back pocket.

“I’m really not sure what to do with you,” he says, his voice slightly gravelly.

“I could think of a few things you can do with me,” I blurt out boldly.

Who am I and what have I done with Layla?

“You can’t keep trying to distract my frustration with you by seducing me, Layla.”

“I’m seducing you?” Shit, I didn’t mean to ask that out loud!

My embarrassment doesn’t even have a moment to settle as I hear a chuckle from him for the first time since we’ve met. “Yes sweetheart, you’re seducing me. My head is telling me to send you on your way before this goes any further.”

“But?”

“But…my other head is currently straining against my zipper.”

I look down, and quickly back up again, my face burning. He is not joking. I saw the outline of his length under his cargo pants perfectly.

“You okay?” he asks, and I nod like an idiot.

“Yes! Of course! I mean, I’m cool, yeah.” When will I learn to shut up?

“You should just tell me if you’re uncomfortable,” he says, his eyes boring into mine.

But I’m not uncomfortable. I don’t ever feel that way around him. I guess I just don’t know how to act? Maybe I’m worried I’ll still suddenly feel weird because I still couldn't even have sex last time.

“I’m not! It’s just that…I don’t know. I know I ruined it when I asked you to have sex with me because I panicked a little. I just…since I haven’t had sex since that, I can’t seem to push it out of my head on my own. That’s why I wanted you to just do it.”

“Look at me when I say this.” He grabs my chin with his large hand, and my eyes meet his before he continues, sounding almost disgusted. “You have never had sex, Layla. What happened to you was not sex. Don’t ever say that shit again, you hear me?”

I nod again, but this time I can feel my eyes burning as they begin to water.

“You don’t deserve for someone to ‘just do it’ with you. When you have sex for the first time it’s going to be because you’re ready, and because it feels good. Do not let anyone, including me, have you unless you feel those things.”

It’s always been easier for me to use the word ‘sex.’ Using the other word means having to tell people out loud what happened to me. Then I have to deal with their obligatory “sorry” and pity and I don’t want to be pitied. I’m okay. I’ve always downplayed it because…it’s much easier for other people to feel comfortable hearing, and it saves me from having to explain myself.

I know it wasn’t small. I know it was bad. But I just don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to look at someone again and admit to them that I was raped. Does anyone even realize how hard that actually is?

“I’m sorry. I just want to feel it. I know if I can just…feel it—” I stop to wipe my wet cheek with the back of my hand. “If I can feel it then maybe I won’t be afraid. If it’s so different from what happened to me, then I’ll finally know the difference.”

“I get it. I didn’t before, but I do now. That still doesn’t mean I’m going to fuck you when you feel like this. When I fuck you, it’ll⁠—”

“When?” I whisper hopefully.

“Goddamnit. Stop doing that to me.” He sighs, but his eyes never leave mine.

Doing what?

“You’re damn tenacious. You should become a lawyer. Or a debt collector.”

I giggle at his attempt at a joke, my anxiety forgotten as I wipe the remaining tears from my face. “Sorry. I just feel really happy. I mean I feel better right now, because of you. I like that you don’t feel sorry for me. Everyone usually does.”

“How can I feel sorry for you?” he says, not missing a beat. “Look at you. You’re here. You have the guts and energy for all this. You…” He stops himself.

“Me?”