Page 144 of Love Spells: And Other Non-Refundable Magic

I stop smiling. I hear the front door open and shut, and Fausto screams from the bottom of the stairs something about getting food and running back out to a party. To not wait up, even though he no longer lives full-time at our house.

Primavera1959

Or whatever I could justify

A job because it was stable. A person because they liked me. Not saying something because I couldn’t prove saying it would make anything better

And then when things didn’t work out, I could tell myself I’d made the reasonable choice

I draw one knee toward my chest.

There is something different about the way she’s writing tonight. Less like she’s trying to arrive at the answer she thinks I expect from her and more like she already has one.

Primavera1959

I don’t want to do that anymore

My thumb rests against the edge of the phone.

TheThirdFairy

Do what?

Primavera1959

Keep treating my life like I need to defend it to somebody

I’m going to accept a new job, and not because someone noticed me or I noticed something about my capabilities.

I do want it, and if the offer is favorable, I want to make sure it’s a job I want to have

And I want her, the person I met

She’s my number five on my list of wants

Not because she likes me. I mean, thank god she likes me.

That would make this significantly more embarrassing

I laugh softly.

Primavera1959

But I wanted her before I knew she wanted me

I stare at that one.

Primavera1959

And I think that’s the difference

For a while, neither of us says anything.

This customer has spent weeks asking me how she’ll know.

How she’ll know what she wants. How she’ll know whether she’s asking for too much. How she’ll know whether something is a sign or a coincidence or evidence that she’s moving in the right direction.

Tonight, she hasn’t asked me a single question.