Page 10 of Best Laid Plans

“You didn’t let me down,” I say softly, feeling emotionally and physically drained.

“You’re sitting fully clothed in a bathtub, coming down from a panic attack after throwing your guts up from the news I delivered. Trust me, I let you down. But that shit isn’t happening again.”

We lay there quietly for a minute as my heart rate gradually returns to normal.

“He’s really gone?”

“Yeah, babe. He’s really gone.”

“I messed up so bad, Powers. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Let me help you.” He presses a kiss to the back of my head.

“I don’t know how.”

“You just have to let me in here.” He taps my temple lightly before he presses his large palm over my heart. “And here.”

I lean back into him, not knowing where to start with something like that. The last person I let in destroyed my life. I don’t think for a second Powers would do that to me. That’s not my issue. It’s that I don’t know how to be in a functional relationship. Being in a relationship with a narcissist means being in a relationship with two people at once, only you never know which one will turn up. One of them is the love bomber. They’ll promise you the stars from the sky and carry you over puddles just so the new, expensive shoes they bought you don’t get wet. They praise you, touch you constantly, affirming how much they just want to be near you. They kiss you until you’re dizzy and can’t do enough for you. It’s this man who is the most dangerous, because he’s the reason you stay. The glimpses of him are what you live for. In reality, it’s all an act to keep you compliant. The other version, or the real one, is the man who tears you down and wears you out. The one who gaslights you and makes passive-aggressive comments that slowly see you folding in on yourself to make yourself smaller. You walk on eggshells, waiting to see if you’re lovable or not today. And the thing is, I didn’t know there was anything wrong with that. It’s what I knew. Though it’s worth saying, when you take a narcissist and throw in religion, it’s arguably worse. My father ran his family like he was god and the rest of us were his disciples.

The irony isn’t lost on me that I ran from the life I hated and ended up in an almost identical situation. History has a way of repeating itself with just enough twisted nuances that you don’t notice it until you’re in too deep to dig your way out.

“You’re asking me to tie myself to another man who doesn’t love me,” I tell him, a hitch in my voice. In the end, it doesn’t matter. Love is for fools.

“I’m asking you to trust me. Nothing more, nothing less.”

He has no fucking clue what he’s asking for. Trust is a commodity I can’t afford. And yet… “Okay, Powers.”

“Kieren. When it’s just you and me, call me Kieren.”

I nod. “Kieren, it is.”

He’s waiting for me to do the same, to give him my real name, but that girl’s dead. All the versions that came before the woman I am now are, and I’m not sure I’m ready to drag any of them from the grave just yet.

Chapter Four

POWERS

I don’t let her see my disappointment that she didn’t share her real name. Today’s been rough on her, and it’s going to get worse before it gets better. But it will get better. If there is one thing I know about myself, it’s that when I set my mind on something, I never stop until I achieve what I set out to do.

She thinks she’s settling. She’s somehow managed to convince herself that she’s not worthy of love when I’ve been in love with this woman since I first laid eyes on her, talking shit about herself behind the bar in the saloon.

One day, I’ll show her that I’m in this to win. Because what I said about the old ladies being extra protected is true, but there are a dozen other ways we could go about this without me claiming her. Only none of the other ways end with her being mine. I’m not a fool by any stretch of the imagination. I’m well aware that this might all blow up in my face, but I’ve worked with bombs for years. I’m used to diffusing situations.

“Let’s get you out of this tub before you get cold. We’ll clean up, and then I’ll make us both something to eat.”

She nods. All the life seems to have drained out of her, but I’ll get her back. I’m more than willing to put in the time and effort.

I stand up and strip off my clothes while I’m still in the tub, so I don’t soak the floor, and I step out. I grab a towel from the rail and wrap it around my waist before turning the tap in the separate shower stall to warm up. Pulling the plug in the bath, I take a washcloth, dip it in the water, and wipe her face clean. She sits listlessly and lets me do it, and I almost wish she would lash out at me, say something—do something.

“Up you get, Lil.” I offer her my hand, which she takes, and I help her to her feet. The water rushes down her body, making the T-shirt she’s wearing stick to her like a second skin. I lick my lips as I reach for the hem. When she doesn’t tell me no, I pull it up, revealing a plain white bra, which is mostly see-through, and a plethora of bruises. I grind my teeth thinking about how she got them and remember to check in with G tomorrow to see if he managed to find anything out about it.

I toss the wet tee in the slowly draining tub and reach around to unhook her bra. I should be a gentleman and look away. I’ve seen Lil in skimpy outfits before, of course, but never naked. I never thought the first time would be like this, but I won’t pretend to be something I’m not. I pull the bra away and groan when I see her bare breasts, her nipples hard, just begging to be sucked.

She lifts her gaze, and finally, something flashes in her eyes instead of that hollow stare.

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” I tell her truthfully and let her hear the reverence in my voice.

“None of it’s real. It’s all just an illusion. The girl inside is beaten down and tired, Powers. It’s anything but pretty in here.” She touches her forehead.