Page 74 of AMS.TER.strum

‘I don’t understand.’

‘Sorry. What I’ve been meaning to tell you is that you don’t need to…’ Shit, this sounds worse and worse! ‘It’s the condoms. We don’t really need them…’

She presses her lips together. ‘I don’t want to risk an unplanned pregnancy,’ she starts, and I’m grateful she doesn’t mention my supposedly prolific sex life.

‘Do you see more children in your future?’

She pauses for a moment. ‘Is it a deal breaker if I’m not sure at this point?’

I let out a sigh of relief. ‘Not at all.’

‘So you’re open to a yes or no?’

I take a deep, deep breath. ‘Corrie… I can’t have kids.’

Her jaw drops. ‘How… when did you find out?’

‘In my late teens.’

‘Oh, so last year?’

I give her an admonishing look and squeeze her ankle harder, although I’m grateful for her effort to lighten the mood. ‘I had this brilliant idea to become a sperm donor for extra cash, but was informed that my body cannot produce live sperm.’

‘Gosh, Luuk…’

‘It’s okay, I’ve had time to wallow. Honestly, I didn’t think much of it, until I held Ada and Otto. It was such an amazing and sad feeling at the same time…’

She nods, her gaze moving over me like a comforting embrace. ‘Regardless of genetic technicalities, there are two little humans here that love having you in their lives.’

‘As I love being in theirs. And also, Corrie, I haven’t been fooling around for a while now, and I’ve been checked, so if it’s okay with you…’

She lets out a resigned sigh. ‘Your timing is very bad, Meiers,’ she says, nodding towards my brace.

I send her a sly smile. ‘Doesn’t great sex cure everything?’

‘I’ll have to google the scientific evidence on that.’

‘And in the meantime?’

She chuckles at the frustrated terror in my voice. ‘We’ll look forward…’ She pauses. ‘Or look for alternative ways. Can you live with it?’

‘Oh, I absolutely can. Resourcefulness guarantees survival. Or, in this case, sanity.’

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Corrie

Three days after our conversation, thoughts about what Luuk revealed to me still buzz in my mind as I cycle to work for my afternoon shift. What a tough pill to swallow, especially after both his parents passed… Now I truly understand his infatuation with Ada and Otto, how important they feel in his life. And why, like me, he was afraid of taking the next step and risking losing us.

Would I have eventually gone for one more baby had this not been the case? Probably, but with me heading towards my fourth decade, the pressure to decide would be more present. Now, with this definitely off the table, Luuk is getting impatient about ‘consummating our relationship’. I smile at the thought, as if we haven’t done so several times already. I’m counting down, much like he does, giving resourcefulness a free reign, the images of us making me cycle past UN-tourist, then turn back.

The smile is still there, when I walk in, but quickly fades, when I see the commotion at the office. Everyone looks frantic, about to start running around like headless chickens. Wanda is nowhere to be seen, although it’s a matter of time before she shows up to pour venom on her least favorite person.

‘What’s going on?’ I whisper to Ricardo.

‘Technical issues at the central offices in the US. Customer requests have piled up, and we’ve been asked to lend a hand with the backlog.’

I sit at an empty station close to the window. I love the view of the city’s rooftops and often wonder whether Lola has worked her magic on some of them. Being able to look outside makes the shift go faster. I log into the system, making a mental note to send an update to our group chat during my break, to make up for the cock-tales session I had to skip.