Page 38 of AMS.TER.strum

I run upstairs to the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of him, but he’s already turned the corner, maybe in search of more memories.

And now Johan’s place, that never felt like a real home but has to be a temporary one until I find a place for me and my babies, feels emptier.

Chapter Sixteen

Now

Luuk

It takes more strength than I could ever imagine I would need to leave Corrie’s. Ada’s words twirl in my mind in a frenzy, mirroring my wants that feel more and more like needs, ignoring all possible reasoning.

I have been infatuated with Corrie since that first time I saw her, ignoring the fact that she was with that narcissistic asshole back then. That attraction, the way she draws me in, never faded. There have been plenty of women around me over the years, and with some I’ve had shorter or longer, ahem, situationships—to quote Joey. But it takes one text, one call, one visit, to erase everything else, like making space for her only, and of course the kids.

‘You have mommy issues,’ Gordon said after a drunk confession of mine when we started touring again after the two years the world was in Limbo.

Eewww, no! Fine, Corrie is older by a decade, but it’s not my mom I see in her. She feels like the home I want to come back to, the one I’ve been watching her build single-handedly, wishing I were around more often, because a phone call or a video chat are never enough. There isn’t one thing I see or experience without thinking of her. There’s this desire to do things for her—and to her. Not because she’s some kind of damsel in distress, but because we want to be magicians in the lives of those we love, lighten their burdens by sharing them, if solving their problems isn’t possible.

And here’s the issue: love. How can you claim to love somebody, even if you do, when your time in the same continent—let alone in the same country—is a handful of visits over a period of seven years? How can you ask them to date you, let alone be with you, if you are the one who isn’t here? And while I want us to have a chance, there’s no way we can simply bounce back to friendship if I ask her out and she says no. Which will mean that three more people will be ripped off my life. Three very important people besides the two that were taken from me already without me having a say in what was happening. Would this now mean I would be knowingly destroying the most meaningful relationship in my life right now?

But I’m probably tired of waiting and making scenarios. Even if the dreaded David hadn’t appeared, the plan has been to take the leap of faith this time; this is the reason for my extra time in the Netherlands. Aaron suspects the reason, but has no proof and tries to make my life complicated by pushing on me things that can easily be done when the band arrives. He usually knows what he’s doing, but sometimes, when he pisses me off, I wonder if I give in because I’m a chicken and don’t dare stand up to him. Or out of guilt, like a kid hiding the truth from his parents. Which makes me feel more like a chicken, because no matter how much of a father figure Aaron is, he is certainly not my father.

Back in my room, I hurry to get undressed and under the covers, hoping that my exposure to the chill night will bypass the stupid jetlag. Before turning off the light, I text Corrie.

Me

It was great to see you and the kids.

Me

I missed them.

I don’t add that missing them all is a permanent condition.

Corrie

Like they miss you.

Corrie

We all do.

Me

Ready to go to sleep?

Judging from her incoming call, she isn’t. ‘Long time, no speak.’

‘Too tired to finger-type. Or too lazy.’

‘Nah, you just wanted to hear my sexy voice.’ I add a bit of extra bass for effect.

Corrie’s laugh in my ear goes straight to my cock.

‘Maybe. Also, maybe I should record this sexy voice, tell Wanda I’m tired because I’ve been talking to the Luuk Meiers. I know, name-dropping, but…’

I have zero issues with that; I’d love to show her off, so I let out a resigned sigh. ‘You gotta do what you gotta do. Happy to help. Happy to bury her body, too.’

Now Corrie is hysterical. ‘I knew you were my ride or die friend…’