Page 99 of Playing Pretend

Kadence turns and when she faces me, my heart stills. In fact, everything stills.

“For some reason I couldn’t do it. I wanted to,” she starts towards me. “But it turns out the reason I wanted to leave became the reason I want to stay.”

“Must be a pretty good reason.”

Good one, I chastise myself. You might as well give yourself a high-five in the face for originality.

Kadence’s lips turn up into a half smile. “I’m still deciding.”

“Well then,” I take a few steps closer until I can feel the warmth radiating from her body, “We should make a list of pros and cons so that we can make sure you’re making the right decision.”

“The ‘cons’ already outweigh the pros,” she says. My optimism plummets. I look down because I know I’m not undeserving of how she feels.

“I guess you wish you’d taken that flight after all, huh?” I sound dejected, and truthfully speaking, I am. I thought this was fate’s way of giving me one last chance to make things right, but it turns out fate would rather sucker punch me instead. If nothing else, I will consider it penance for every stupid decision I have ever made when it comes to Kadence.

“Not exactly.”

I look up, momentarily knocked off kilter by the way Kadence seems to be staring into my eyes. So sincere, and honest, but also reluctant. If she’ll let me, I will replace that reluctance with certainty, and I will keep it that way as long as she’ll have me.

“I just want to know one thing.”

“Of course.”

Kadence sighs. “Did you mean it when you said you loved me?”

I straighten, and make sure to keep my eyes locked with Kadence’s, blue to green and green to blue. Just us.

“I’ve never meant anything more.”

And it’s the truth.

“How can I believe you?” she asks. From the expression on her face I can tell she’s struggling with whether or not she can trust me.

I want her to.

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more than to have her trust again, and to prove that I’m deserving. The chances are I will never be worthy, but I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life trying if that’s what it takes.

I thought tonight was the big romantic gesture, that as soon as she knew about the project that I’d been working on, was inspired by her, she would see how much she means to me.

But now I’m the one who sees that it wasn’t romantic at all. It was desperate. The real romantic gesture is to not pretend.

“Watching you carry on with your life has been agonizing, but I knew it was what you needed. I knew not having me around was the best thing for you because of how badly I hurt you. But you see, I’m selfish enough to want you in any way I can get you, even if that means keeping an eye on you from afar. I’ve been on hold since you walked away from me Kadence, and I don’t want to live on ‘pause’. I want to hit the ‘play’ button. With you, always with you.”

Kadence sniffles, and I pull her into me, brushing her cheeks with my thumbs.

“You hurt me,” she whispers.

My mouth opens, ready to tell her I know but she silences me with a delicate finger over my lips.

“But I’ve been living on hold too. I’ve tried to forget you, forget what we had, but I couldn’t. When I saw you tonight I realized that my life isn’t a life without you, and everything in it means nothing if I can’t have you. I’m scared to trust you, and I’m terrified of taking a chance on us, but I would regret not taking that chance at all. I’ve spent more time missing you than I have moving on, and I don’t want to miss you anymore, Caleb.”

“Then don’t,” I tell her. “I’m right here.”

“How do I know it’s for real this time?”

The ambivalence in her voice breaks me because I did that to her. I only have one thing left to do that might set her at ease.

With a shaky hand, I lift her palm, and press it over my heart.