Page 4 of Playing Pretend

I LIFTED MY HAND,poised to knock, when something inside me made me hesitate. I stared at the door, like it may have had all the answers I was looking for, but after five minutes of not doing anything I decided I didn’t want to see Caleb yet. In truth, what it actually came down to was that I didn’t want him to see me.

I raised my chin indignantly at the door, as if Caleb could see the act of defiance from behind it, and resolved to give him the notes first thing in the morning. The sound of a chair rolling back startled me, and what should have been a graceful exit ended up being the imbalanced combination of a waddle, and a power-walk. The elevators dinged, and I jumped in right before the doors shut. Luckily I was alone, so I spent the ride down to the lobby convincing myself that I’d done the right thing, rather than listen to the stupid voice in my head telling me I was a coward.

Which I absolutely was not.

WHEN I FINALLY made it out of the building, Park Avenue was teeming with pedestrians, and I had to fall in step with them quickly before I got trampled. After making a quick stop at a Duane Reade a few blocks from the office, I decided to walk towards Fifth Avenue and catch the subway at the subway station located in Times Square. I took my time, falling in love with the effervescent metropolis that mixed old with new, and became home to a multitude of people from all walks of life. It had a culture of its own, borrowing from its inhabitants to create something completely new, and all consuming.

My thoughts were interrupted when my cell phone started ringing. I reached into my purse, and dug around until I pulled it out. The grin that took over my face was wide when I saw the caller ID and I slid my finger across the screen to answer.

“Hi Mom,” I greeted with enthusiasm. I hadn’t spoken to my mother much since I moved back to Manhattan, and the thought gave rise to a prickle of guilt.

“Hi darling.” Her voice was smooth, and cultured, and she spoke with an air that could only come from a wealthy upbringing. “I haven’t heard from you in a while, so I thought I would call and make sure you’re doing alright.”

“I’m sorry,” I replied, nibbling on my bottom lip. I stopped in front of a Pret A Manger, and moved out of the way of all the foot traffic so that I could talk to my mother before I caught the subway. “I’ve been trying to get settled, and find my feet at my new job.”

“And? How is it going?”

The question was innocent enough, but I knew what she really wanted to know was how it was working for Caleb.

“I really love it,” I said, telling my mother the truth. “Everyone is really nice, and I have the best boss.”

“I’m so thrilled for you darling. I know you’re going to make such a success of yourself.” The line went quiet, and my mother hesitated before asking, “Have you seen him yet?”

I looked around, almost expecting Caleb to manifest simply because I was talking about him. “No, and I doubt I will see much of him anyway. He’s too busy, and technically I work for someone else.”

“Oh, well that’s good,” she sighed, sounding genuinely relieved. She wasn’t thrilled when I told her I had an interview at Callahan Industries, and I couldn’t blame her, but I had very few other prospects after I’d graduated.

“How have you been?” I asked, hoping the change of topic would help ease my mother’s worry.

Luck was on my side, because as soon as the words left my mouth my mother’s excited chatter filled my ears. She regaled me with the goings-on at my Aunt Jenna’s flower shop in North Carolina, and told me about some of the friends she’d made at her weekly group therapy sessions. Hearing her so content, and so free made my throat close a little, and ignited a small glimmer of hope that I too could find that.

“I have to tell you something.” My mother’s voice suddenly grew soft, and wary, her tone cautious. I frowned.

“Your father called.”

I inhaled sharply, and tried to quell the sudden panic furrowing its way into the pit of my stomach.

“When?”

“Two days ago, but all I told him was that you’re doing fine, and to stop looking for you.”

I shook my head, knowing my father would take that as a challenge more than anything else. “Do you think he’ll come back here?” I asked quietly.

“I doubt it, darling. The fact that you no longer have his last name will make it harder for him to find you.”

“But what if he comes back, Mom?” The thought was paralyzing, only because I had no desire to see my father ever again. I hadn’t seen him since I left London two years ago, and I wanted to keep it that way. He destroyed our family, but what made me loathe him with every ounce of my being was that he’d destroyed my mother. She was smart to leave him, even though she had to give up almost all of what she owned in the way of assets, and the only thing she’d left me with was a promise to help me get away as soon as I was old enough. Sadly, I stayed with my father, and older sister Katrina, until she proved herself to be just as wretched as our father. I was twenty when I realized that it was a matter of time before I became just like them, believing that it was in our nature to turn out that way. Of course, it was my sister’s betrayal of the worst kind that finally had me running out of the front door, desperate to save myself from the tyranny that had befallen my family, a family I used to love and trust.

Until I couldn’t anymore.

My mother bought me a plane ticket, and I left London in search of something better for myself. She transferred enough money to see me through a community college in Denver, but I still had to get two part-time jobs to be able to afford a place to live. I lost all the luxuries I’d grown accustomed to, but found that I was better off after making that sacrifice.

“He won’t.” My Mother sounded determined, and so sure, and I wished that I could see her then, if only to draw from her strength. “And if he does somehow manage to get in touch with you, you call me immediately. Day or night, I don’t care.”

“I hope it doesn’t get that far,” I said quietly, watching the people around me go about their days while mine took a turn down the worst of memory lane.

“Darling, you’re safe there, so please, don’t let this bother you.”

“Did he say anything about Trina?” I asked. As soon as my mind flashed to the last time I saw my sister, I regretted bringing her up.