Page 118 of Eternal Devotion

I spent the night wandering Greenwood Cemetery under a haunted sky fit for the likes of me. The heavy cloud cover and moonless gloom suited my mood. Some of the memorials dated back as far as the late nineteenth century, their etchings barely visible. Beloved husband and father. Cherished mother and wife. Precious daughter to so-and-so and so-and-so. Or simply, Our angel, the dash separating a handful of months instead of years. Lives that had ended naturally as God intended.

None of the deceased were as old as me. Greenwood Cemetery didn’t exist in my day.

The weight of those foregone years clung to my coattails, leaving me forever ensnared. One foot in the past. One tangled in the present.

It wasn’t a life. No matter what Ensley thought. Why couldn’t he understand? Why romanticize such an ugly and tarnished curse? Didn’t he see what I lived with? The challenges I faced. The restrictions.

The loss, guilt, and shame. The betrayal.

Why would I subject someone to this torment? Especially someone I loved.

I sat on a memorial bench and stared without seeing into the distance, looking into the past, contemplating the future. Ensley wasn’t alone in glamorizing something that wasn’t glamorous. For hundreds of years, I’d seen my kind prosper. They embraced the change. They adapted and thrived. They brought others into our fold, ones who eagerly accepted and understood what they were up against.

I didn’t know if I was alone in my repulsion. Our numbers had grown out of control in the past few centuries. I suspected that if I wasn’t, only a handful felt as I did. Burdened. Ashamed. Ugly.

This was why I didn’t get close to humans. The risk of attachment was too great. The risk to my heart was unbearable. But the loneliness. The loneliness was so hard to conquer.

I loved Ensley. It was unplanned and unexpected. Because of that love and the knowledge I carried, I would never break my will. I would not pass along this curse or doom him to my existence. Not if he begged and pleaded.

Not for anything.

I returned to the flat in the early dawn, finding Ensley awake and seated at the high table, sipping a steaming mug of chamomile tea as he studied the stack of files he’d brought home the previous night.

He glanced up at my entrance, worry creasing his brow, a forlorn look in his eyes. It didn’t take a genius to see the man was utterly miserable. Wounded.

“You were gone all night.”

“You upset me. I needed air.”

He moved his gaze to the mug of tea, his distress cutting lines into his forehead. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have questioned you. You made your stance clear, and I didn’t listen. I just… wanted to understand. I won’t bring it up again.”

“We had a deal, Ensley.”

“I know. To be fair, nowhere in that conversation did I ask you to change me. I only questioned why it was such a bad idea. Can you blame me for wondering? You say you love me. Wouldn’t spending eternity together make up for all the aspects you find so disagreeable?”

“No. It’s like agreeing to a suicide pact. Why can’t you see that?”

“How?”

“Oh, do let’s, love. We can hold hands and jump off the bridge. La-di-da. How fabulous. Never fear. We’ll be together for an eternity. All our woes will disappear.” I scowled, cutting the sarcasm with a snarky, “An eternity in death, Ensley. Do you understand that?”

“Okay. You don’t have to be an ass. To be fair, death has a whole new definition when applied to vampirism.”

I deadpanned. “Are you daft?”

Ensley sardonically chuckled as he held up his hands. “Never mind. Case closed. We won’t talk about it. I’ll go to my grave properly when it’s my time, and I’ll never bring it up again.”

“Thank you.” I meant it sincerely, but Ensley’s feelings were bruised. Fumbling for a way to change the mood, I motioned to the counter. “Can I make you breakfast?”

“No. I had toast. I’ve been up for hours waiting for you to get home. I know this may come as a surprise, but I worry about you too. You’re not as immortal as the legends claim. You have a lot of weaknesses that someone knowledgeable can exploit. In fact, you have a gang of hunters after you who know all your flaws. Never mind the dangerous mission you’re reluctant to talk about. The one that I suspect will take place behind my back. I’m waiting for the day you don’t come home. I might never find out what happened, but you know, that’s fair.”

He huffed and returned to his tea and paperwork.

In his ramble, one word stood out from the rest. Home. He waited for me to come home. He considered the flat mine as well as his. A shared unit. I hadn’t called any place home in over four hundred years. I’d lived in all sorts of places, but it wasn’t the same. When did an unremarkable loft in Owen Sound become home? When did Ensley and I become so entangled?

When was I going to realize that this man, this flawed human, who had fallen for me as much as I’d fallen for him, was only seeking comfort by exploring options beyond the grim future I’d offered? He wanted an eternity in death, and I was giving him expiration dates.

Was I so wrong? Would I feel different in his shoes?