Page 36 of Chasing Smoke

“Hey.” I loosely grip her wrist. “C’mon. What did you mean by was?”

She turns, and now she’s frowning. “The truth is that I was lonely before Caleb died.” She squeezes her eyes shut, shaking her head again. “I shouldn’t be talking like this.”

Confusion swims through my head. I always thought things were good with them. Did Caleb not feel comfortable talking to me about it, or did he figure I wouldn’t understand for some reason?

“Collins, you don’t have to hide how you feel just because he passed.”

She nods as if considering whether she wants to tell me more. “He was gone a lot in Texas, Ansel, and even when he was home… I don’t know. It was like he wasn’t really here. Not like he was earlier in our marriage. He felt distant. Like his head was somewhere else all the time. We just weren’t connecting.” I get the impression she wants to say more, but she stops.

My chest aches from witnessing the pain on her face. I undo my seat belt and lean in over the console, really wanting her to hear me. “I’m sorry, Collins. I didn’t know. He never said⁠—”

She shrugs. “I just feel terrible speaking ill of him, especially to you.”

Though I’m taken aback that they might have had marriage problems, since I never heard or saw any indication from Caleb that things were anything but amazing between them, I hate the idea of Collins feeling as though she can’t express how she feels to anyone.

“You’re not speaking ill of him, you’re expressing your feelings. There’s a difference.”

She squeezes her eyes shut, and the pain etched on her face… fuck, I can’t stand it.

I draw her into my arms and hold her tightly. “I’m sorry you were lonely. Are lonely, Collins, but you have me.”

She squeezes me tighter, and my hand goes into her hair.

The energy shifts, and I know she feels it too because she stiffens in my hold, her breath releasing against my neck. She pulls back, but not all the way, our cheeks brushing, our breaths fanning together.

We stay with the sides of our noses touching, breathing each other’s air for what feels like minutes but is really seconds. The air in the cab of my truck thickens and weighs around us like my favorite blanket.

Before I know it, my lips are on hers, swallowing her breathy moan when my tongue parts the seam of her lips. The moment our tongues meet, an electric jolt courses through my entire body. Collins clutches my jacket while my hand grips her hair tighter.

Our kiss quickly shifts from slow to desperate, neither one of us taking a breath. But as I’m about to grab her hips and swing her over the console and onto my lap, she pulls away, gasping.

We both sit in the cab of my truck, chests heaving, staring at each other in the dim light. Collins’s fingers move up to cover her lips, as if hers are tingling like mine, and horror overtakes her face.

“I have to go.” She yanks the door handle and bolts from the cab, running up the front steps of her house and through her front door before I can process what we just did.

My eyes fall to the back of Caleb’s truck, and my head falls forward. I’ve never felt more ashamed of who I am in my entire life.

“What can I say? I’m a complete and total asshole.”

I pull out of their driveway and drive home, hoping this might have been all a nightmare, ignoring the fact I want to knock on her door and ask if I can kiss her again.

SEVENTEEN

Ansel

Acouple days after the kiss, I walk into the fire station, completely exhausted from tossing and turning every damn night.

Caleb’s eyes follow me down the hall from his picture with a bronze plaque underneath, dedicated to his sacrifice.

After he passed, I couldn’t bear to glance in its direction, the pain so raw and fresh. But as time went on, I’ve been able to stop and look at him, forcing myself to remember the good times we had. The memories got a little more sweet than bitter.

Now, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to look at it again, but only because of my own guilt.

I’ve felt sick to my stomach since Collins rushed out of my truck. I owe her an apology. What the fuck was I thinking by kissing her?

“Mercer, what’s good?”

I nod at Gonzalez, who’s just coming off shift, and walk into the common area of the fire hall.