Page 101 of Drowning Erin

“This isn’t about me. It’s about you. And if you were a better person, you’d admit you can’t make her happy and walk away.”

He wants to hit me. I can see it. And I want him to do it, because God knows I’d like to hit him back. I’ve never wanted to hit someone more. But neither of us will go there, not with Erin just down the hall.

“Well, I’m not walking away. I’m going to marry her,” he says calmly. Too calmly, as if he knows something I don’t. There’s certainty behind his words.

“She doesn’t want to marry you. I think she’s made that clear.”

“But she will,” he says, with a hint of smug triumph surfacing in his eyes. “Just watch.”

He turns and walks back in to her. Every bone in my body wants to chase him and beg her not to listen, to turn down anything he suggests.

Except I’ve got nothing to offer in its place.

69

Erin

Present

Rob settles into the chair Brendan just vacated, grabs the same hand Brendan just held. It’s not the same, but chocolate isn’t the same as broccoli, and that doesn’t mean you’re only meant to eat the first.

“How’s he been?” he asks. “Has he woken up since yesterday?”

I tilt my head. “How did you know he woke up yesterday?”

“Your mom called me. She did not appear to know we’d broken up.” My eyes fly open in alarm, and he squeezes my hand. “I didn’t tell her. It was pretty clear from what she said that you didn’t want them to know. My question is why you didn’t.”

It’s an opening. If this were a movie, it would be the point where I tell him my father is an alcoholic, and my mother and I have danced around it my entire life. Except this isn’t a movie, and that’s not who the two of us are.

“I didn’t want to upset them,” I reply.

“I brought your ring,” he says, pulling it out of his bag. “I thought it might help, under the circumstances.”

I hesitate, but decide it’ll make my dad feel better if he sees it. Just one diamond in that ring could pay someone’s mortgage for a year. I look at it and think showy, but my dad looks at it and thinks secure. And what he thinks matters far more right now. I slide it back on my left hand and move the emerald to my right.

“She told me something else,” he adds. “She said your dad asked if we could get married here, and you said maybe?”

I sigh heavily. Fuck if my mom doesn’t seem to go out of her way to make every aspect of my life harder. “I didn’t know what to say. I just couldn’t say no right then.”

“We could, you know.” He recaptures my hand. “The hospital chaplain could do it.”

“Rob, that’s crazy. We aren’t even dating.”

“Erin, we were a couple for four years. It’s just a matter of time before we get back together. Why wait when we could do it now and give your dad what he wants?”

I suddenly feel so, so tired. More tired than I knew it was possible to feel. Though it’s insane to even consider what Rob is offering, maybe it’s also insane not to.

I could end all the chaos. I could give my parents something positive to focus on now and a little peace going forward. I could go back to the life I had—the nice house and the security of all of it. And maybe, when things with Brendan grow more distant, I could go back to feeling numb again. I want that, because being here, being me, missing Brendan—it feels like too much to bear.

I can grant my father’s dying wish. One of them at least. But in granting it, I also know a piece of me will die too.

70

Brendan

Present

I find Sean holed up above some strip club north of Denver. It’s taken me a full day to find him. Erin must be worried sick.