Page 59 of Sin

“Why?”

“It’s not right.” Rejection crashes through me. I scramble to get off him but his grip only tightens. “Don’t.” He tells me. “Look at me. Now.” His voice is full of authority and I obey. “Don’t do that. Don’t start thinking that I don’t want you because you know that’s not it at all.” His eyes flick between our two bodies. “Obviously.” He smiles. “But I know there’s something going on with you. So spill it, what’s wrong? What’s gotten into you?” I can’t meet his eyes. Without warning, he snakes his arms around my body and flips us so that I’m now on my back with him hovering over me. His hand brushes the hair from my face. “Sugar,” he pleads.

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” I hold his gaze. “Hormones, I guess. Feeling a little vulnerable.” I shrug my shoulders.

“Don’t ever think this is rejection.” He kisses my neck, my collarbone, where I know he’s marked me. “This is me, doing the right thing and letting you decide without a shadow of a doubt that I’m what you want. That we are what’s best for you and the baby.” His hand caresses my stomach. “This life isn’t easy, sugar, you know that. It’s not just me, a ‘normal guy’ doesn’t describe the person that I am, that I’ve always been. But I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” His eyes show so much, more than he’s willing to express to me, and that’s okay. “I’ve made my decision.”

“I’ve made mine too.” I give him a small smile. “I’ve never felt like this and I don’t want to go through life without you.” I rest my hand upon his cheek.

He closes his eyes. “Doing the right thing isn’t always easy.” He leans into my hand. “I’m always going to try to do the right thing when it comes to you two.”

“I know, Matty.” I pull myself up, placing both hands on the side of his face. “You’re a good man, Matthew Sinclair.” His eyes widen, cocking his eyebrow at my words. He gradually shakes his head in disagreement. “You deserve all the happiness in the world. I’m honored that you want that with me, with us.” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, allowing my words to sink in. Acceptance is hard for him. He had his demons that still pry their way to the surface and put doubt in his mind. He wraps his hand around my wrist. I know he’s going to pull away. I know he doesn’t agree with what I just said, but needs to believe it. “I love you, Matthew.” His eyes snap open at my confession.

His body stiffens muscles go ridged against me. He pulls back, turning his head, not wanting to hear the words I just said. I know he feels the same. He hasn’t done what he’s done for me if there isn’t love in his heart. “Sin.” He blanches at me using his club name. But maybe that’s the key. Maybe Sin is the one who needs to realize that I love him. I think Matthew is capable of accepting my love, but maybe Sin is the one who needs the convincing. “I’m lying here, naked with you. Confessing my love to you.” He continues to look away. “Hey.” I push on his shoulder. “I need you to look at me.” He turns his head in my direction, unshed tears fill his eyes. “I love you. You, Sin. I love all of you.”

“I love you. You, Sin. I love all of you.”

Her words are music to my ears. How cliché is that? I’ve never had the desire to hear some chick tell me she loves me. My mother and my sister’s words were always enough. After Sienna died, my mother seemed to tell me even more. Maybe she is making up for the fact that I would never hear it come from my sister’s mouth again.

When I was away at boot camp and then overseas hearing those words made me believe that, what I was doing was worth it. I fought for my country, to keep my family safe from the worldwide threats. Maybe I felt keeping the world in order would help the fact that my father and the MC has so much unrest that I couldn’t control or help. Territory wars were so much harder to win than those we fought overseas. I never expected to have my life end up the way it has. I never would have guessed that I would earn the love of someone who is worth so much more than what I have to offer.

I pull her wrist, the one that I’ve had in my hand, and bring her closer to my chest. I bury my face into her neck, breathing her in. She’s my peace, my heaven, my sins’ salvation. I can no longer hold back the tears. My body shakes as this new emotion surges through it. The only emotion that I’ve been familiar with all these years is anger. Anger is powerful; the rage that anger can invoke in someone can be deadly. The wrath, fury, and irritation can destroy the lives of those around you, even when you don’t intend for it to happen.

But this is different.

I pull her even closer to me and she wraps her arms around me. Her body shakes with the same emotion. She whimpers as she continues to whisper that she loves me.

Me.

She loves me.

This beautiful creature who has turned my life upside down loves me. She’s handing me her heart, one that has been stomped on and shattered for years. She’s entrusting me with something so precious. For the first time in my life, I feel the calmness that I’ve always yearned for. Something I never thought I would find is here now. I lean back from her embrace and peer into her eyes. They shine with tears; her nose is red, cheeks reddened by her emotion. She’s so damn beautiful.

“You deserve my love, Sin.” She says, trying to convince me. “Please, let me love you.” She will never have to ask for permission, never again.

“I love you, Savannah.” I bring my lips to hers. “Though my mind has fought me tooth and nail, my heart won out. I love you, sugar.” The grin on my face hurts it’s so wide.

Her body sags in relief as she lets out another cry. “Oh, thank God,” she says, smiling. “That was about to be the most awkward moment of my life. I mean look at me.” Her hands brush the length of her body. “I’m naked. You’re naked and I just told you I loved you after you wouldn’t make love to me. And I’m pregnant, I’m fat and I just told you I loved you.” She nervously rambles.

“Hush, sugar.”

“I love you.” She tells me again.

I chuckle. “I know, baby. You’ve told me.”

*****

Savannah’s body is wrapped around mine, our legs intertwined. I’ve learned that she needs to be wrapped around my front while either I’m lying on my back or she needs to be behind me while she holds me at night.

I’m sure this is something that she needs to feel safe. Me wrapping my large frame around her makes her feel too confined, maybe uncomfortable and that’s something I never want her to feel with me. Her soft breaths feather against my neck. The steady breathing tells me she’s sound asleep. I continue to rub my hand up and down her arm. She fucking loves me and I love her. The thought brings a smile to my face. Something spooked her tonight. The Savannah that I saw leaning against the wall is not the one I’ve come to know.

I scan my room, looking for a sign, something that can tell me what was really on her mind. I’m not going to push her. I want her to feel safe with coming to me with her shit. Maybe she just had an emotional night with Jenni, walking down memory lane or some crap like that. I wasn’t expecting her back with me tonight. I figured the girls would want to spend the night together, braid each other’s hair and shit. I know Sienna used to love that crap. Do women ever grow out of that?

I notice an envelope by the door. I slowly pull my body out from under Savannah positive that I won’t wake her. Usually once she’s out, she doesn’t wake easily. I bend over and see two initials that make my blood boil. Tyson fucking Redding’s initials stare back at me.

*****

I know it’s late by the time I get to Cut’s house. This is his time with Lily. Night is the only time he gets with her, still afraid of what dangers prying eyes in the daylight might bring to her. We both know the night isn’t any safer for him to come see his wife, but no one ever tells him that. If this brings him peace in this fucked up situation, so be it. Once we have Louie’s daughter back and he hands over his father, Cut’s fear will finally be laid to rest. Living in fear of losing someone you love unconditionally used to be so foreign to me. Now, I completely understand. I don’t need to have loved Savannah for as long as Cut’s loved Lily to understand the meaning of it being unconditional. I think I proved that when I told my brother I would leave the only life I knew to make sure she and the baby stayed safe.