Page 40 of Sin

"I know. I know you've been struggling with so much, but you can't continue to be sad because it makes me sad. I'm still a part of you. I feel what you feel and I want happiness, big brother. We deserve happiness and it's up to you to get it. Shine bright, Matthew Sinclair, shine bright."

The sound of my sister's voice slowly fades away as the dream drifts to my subconscious. The early morning sun filters into the room. I begin to stretch reaching out for Savannah. It's been one month since Savannah first shared my bed and I opened up to her about my scars and the time I'd spent in the military. Since then, we've spent our nights talking in the darkness of my room.

*****

“You were not ten when you had your first kiss.” She sounds shocked by my admission.

This has turned into our nightly routine and it’s one that I look forward to during the day. We talk and share. Funny thing is I don’t mind it. We’re laying on our bed, under the covers, hands in each other’s grasp. “Why are you shocked, sugar? I’m a lady’s man.” She lets out a humph in disagreement.

“I can only imagine.”

“Alright, what about you?”

“Sixteen.” I know my expression shows my shock. “You have to remember that my life growing up was a lot more sheltered than yours was. My friend Jenni, her father was the local preacher, so kids weren’t too keen on including us in the local party scene. They saw us as the eyes of Jesus or something. Like they couldn’t do what they wanted with us there. So, my first kiss was in high school. He was the first boy who didn’t care that my best friend’s father was our town’s man of God. He was my first boyfriend too. It only lasted a couple of months, but still.”

“Well, you got me there. I’ve never had a girlfriend.”

She turns her head. “Seriously? You’ve never had a girlfriend? How is that even possible?”

“Well, it’s not normal for a young kid to have a steady girlfriend when you’re coming up in the club. Sure, there were always women around, just like today. My father never pushed them on me, but I guess I’ve never had that desire to claim a chick as mine. Even when I enlisted, I never thought about having a girl waiting for me to come home. Always thought it was just a waste. Then everything happened and my life turned to shit. Getting me a girlfriend never made it on my ‘to-do’ list I guess.”

“That’s just crazy.”

“Might be crazy, sugar, but it’s true.”

“Alright then, moment of truth. When did you lose your V-card?”

I laugh and turn toward her. She mirrored my position with her head resting on the pillow. “Are you sure you really want to know that, Savannah?”

“Sure, why not? We’re friends and friends talk.”

“As long as this talking doesn’t lead to you painting my toes nails I’m fine with sharing. Twelve, I was twelve the first time I had sex.” I can see the look of horror cross her face. “We’re two different people, sugar, living two different lives. I don’t expect you to understand.”

“I just wasn’t expecting you to be that young. I mean, I wasn’t even aware that boys were able to perform at that age.”

“Believe me, we can. It may not have lasted that long.” I laugh and she smiles. “But it happened and I’m thankful it happened when it did. It was something I felt hanging over my head, I was glad to be done with it.”

“I guess I can understand the pressure, living the life you live. Seeing how sex is so focal around here.”

“The club had nothing to do with me wanting to lose it. It was just me. Maybe a way of pushing the fact that I wanted to grow up and get the hell outta here.”

“I guess I can understand that.”

“You?”

“Me? Well, prepared to be blown away. Tyson, second date.”

“Wow, I’m not sure I like the idea of you giving something so precious to a man who wasn’t deserving of it.”

“At the time, I thought he was. He was different in the beginning.”

“Well, you know what Savannah, I’d rather not hear about how you thought he was worth it. I’m not sure I can take it.”

I pull her to me and wrap my hands around her body. Her hair smells fruity. It’s becoming my favorite smell. She assumes her normal position by snuggling into my bare chest. Like every night, my body reacts to the closeness. The desire to make her mine intensifies every night that passes, but I know I can’t cross that line. Neither of us is ready. Savannah has become so precious to me. She’s quickly becoming the most important person in my life.

*****

During the day, I keep my distance. I know that I’m coming to terms with my issues and I feel that I'm taking the steps I need take control of my own happiness. But there are things that are holding me back. I now crave the closeness that I’ve gained with Savannah. She’s consuming my thoughts during the day. She's all I think about, her and that baby growing in her belly.