Page 39 of Sin

"When I woke up, they told me that I had kept hold of those three men and when we were blown up, my body shielded them. I still don't know how, but the three of them walked away. I caught shrapnel in my back. A large piece of metal embedded into my kidney, shredding it."

"You're a hero."

"No, because I didn't act soon enough I watched five men run to their deaths. I should have known those cars weren't safe, that it was a trap."

"You couldn't have known that."

"I should’ve known that. I grew up hearing about traps, and to always question the things that seems to be perfect. I heard my father talk about game plans and strategy enough in my life to know that they were walking into a trap."

“You take too much responsibility for things that are out of your control. Things that you were never responsible for in the first place."

"Like I did with you?" He angles his head to look at me.

I reach out and place my hand on his bearded cheek. He instinctively leans into it. I wonder if he wears the beard to help hide who he is, or who he thinks he is. "You being responsible for those deaths is like me saying my parents are responsible for the abuse I endured for all those years."

"You haven’t placed blame on them? You haven’t questioned why they never looked more closely to their daughter?”

I shake my head. "No, I haven’t. Tyson’s the only one who’s responsible for that. I'm only responsible for staying."

"Why do I feel so responsible for their deaths?"

"Guilt. You feel guilty for surviving. I think you feel if you make your life miserable that you're justifying the fact that you're alive when they aren't. Guilt is a very powerful emotion. It can run your life, just as much as anything else can. You’re so remorseful for things that were out of your control. It's as if you've been living your life waiting to pay for the things that have happened in your life. You think you should know what others are going to do to help prevent the evil in the world and that isn't possible. The only one you can control is yourself, and you need to realize that. Bad things are going to happen to people no matter what role you play in their lives. It's meant to happen."

"Like fate?"

I never thought about it like that. Is it fate that brought me here? Did I have to go through years of abuse to bring me to this moment? Lying here in the bed of a man that I wish more than anything, I can comfort. "Maybe. The whole ‘there's a bigger plan than what we see’. That may be it."

"So you're saying its part of a plan for me to lose so many people in my life. My father, my sister."

"We all suffer in life. Some suffer more than others and that sucks. I wish I could take your pain away from you. I wish I could show you that you deserve so much happiness and you aren't the reason for the tragedy that happened in your life."

"I think I have to believe in those things myself. You can show me things for years on end and I'll never be able to see until I believe it myself."

"Well, don't you think it's time to start to consider it? Don't you think it's time for you to start realizing that you aren't the catalyst for the hardships around you? You’re a victim just as much as the ones who’ve lost their lives." I said my peace; I’ve gotten out what I’ve wanted to tell him since I heard about the destruction in his life.

“Come here.” He puts his hand behind my neck, pulling me to him until we were only inches apart. “You make me see things I’ve had my eyes closed to for so long, Sugar.” He places a kiss on my forehead. His lips are soft. I close my eyes, living in the moment, relishing in the feel of his touch. His lips brush against my cheek, then the other. He nips at my jaw line and I turn my head giving him access to my neck, willing him to kiss me.

His tongue licks up my throat as he presses his lips to me. I moan, pulling him by the waist, making our bodies flush against each other. I can feel the effect I’m having on him. His desire stirs something inside of me. Longing, wanting, and needing to be touched in a way I’ve never been touched before.

“Sin.” I moan, grinding my pelvis into his erection. “Please.” He stops, hearing my plea.

“Sugar.” He wraps his arms around my body. “There’s so many things I want to make you feel, Savannah.” He kisses the top of my head. “But there are so many reasons why I can’t right now.”

Feeling the sting of rejection, I push against his body. “Please let me go.” My voice sounds muffled against his bare chest.

His hold tightens around my body. “You can feel that I want you. I know you do. There’s nothing that I’d like more, but I have things I need to work out. Too many things floating around my head. So please just let me hold you. Let me feel you. I stop the struggle once I hear his pleas. My body relaxes against his. “Sleep, baby.” He kisses my head again and whispers, “And please be patient.”

"Matthew."

"Sienna?"

"Matthew can you hear me?"

"I can hear you, but I can't see you." I tried to see the beauty that was once my sister, but all I see is blackness. "Sienna, I can't see you where are you?"

"I'm here, Matthew. I'm always here, brother. I'm always with you, with my hand on your shoulder, supporting you."

"I miss you little sister."