Page 37 of Sin

"She's safe here."

"This isn't the place for her or the baby she's carrying. She doesn't understand club life, the rules and how we do things. She doesn't understand what it means to be part of what we are here."

"Come." She holds out her hand for me to take. "We need to have a little chat." I obey, taking her hand as I follow her down the street. "Matthew, I love you."

"I love you too, Mama, more than you know."

"I want to see my children happy, Matthew. I want to see them flourish, but you aren’t mijo. You haven't been living and I cannot stand it anymore."

"I'm living, Mama, the best way I can."

"Why do you say that? What does that mean? And why all the BS with Savannah?"

"I don't know what you want from me, Mama."

"What I want? Oh, mijo, I want you to be happy, that's all I ever wanted."

"I'm not sure that's possible, but I don’t have to be happy in order to be living and that's what I'm doing. I’m living."

"You're existing, son. Not living and don't try to convince me otherwise. You've been nothing of the boy that you were before your sister and father were killed."

"That’s what Savannah said. But I was lost before they were killed, Mama. You didn’t have the chance to see it before they were taken from us."

She falls silent as we continue to walk down the street where I grew up. The city has grown around this area and because of that, it's not as nice as I once remember it. Our little neighborhood has almost been forgotten, but that's alright with us. We like the fact that it's not as busy as it once was. The club, although still strong has decreased in numbers. When my father led the club, there were so many members it was hard to keep track, now we only have a handful in this chapter. Once we decided, the club needed to changed directions to ensure our survival members left or switched charters, which was fine with us. We only wanted those who were loyal to us, so we became smaller. We have just enough to keep us on the books as a legitimate club. The size isn't a bad thing. It's helped us stay tighter, trust easier. I'm sure we will grow again in numbers, but right now, it works for us. We continue around the land that the club owns. Houses that were once occupied by members, sit empty. Waiting for life to be brought back to their walls. "Do you miss it?" I ask.

"Miss what?"

"All the craziness of the club from when you were younger."

"I had my time, I don't miss it. There has been a lot of loss because of the club. A lot of death. Your father wanted so much when he started everything. He wanted those who he loved to always be close. It's sad to see the homes that once held so much love now empty."

My mother's home isn't the only one that sits on the club’s property. Along with the clubhouse, and the shop there were six houses, seven including my mother's. My father made sure that the members who had full families had their homes close to the club to ensure safety and focus on what was important, and that was brotherhood. The single members stayed in the many rooms of the clubhouse while those who had children and wives got to live in one of the houses. My mother’s is the only house that is occupied now.

"The time will come, Matthew. The houses will be filled again. Your brother will see to that, but right now, the quality of the club is more important than the quantity, but members will come. The club will thrive under his leadership just as it did with your father. But enough of changing the subject. We're talking about the present and future for you, not my past."

"My present is what you see, Ma, and my future, is something I don't care to think about."

"She sees you, doesn't she?" My mother stops, making me follow.

"What do you mean?"

"Savannah sees you, and you don't like it. She sees you, just like Sienna saw you."

"No."

"Yes, mijo, don't lie to me."

"She talks about things that she doesn't know or understand. She thinks she knows what will make me happy and she doesn't because she doesn't understand who I am."

"No one has to know you a lifetime to see who you are, what you can be and what you hold in your heart, son. It doesn't matter is she's only been here weeks or days. There's a reason why she's still here. Why she has put her trust in you and it's not because she doesn't have anywhere else to be. She has a family, but she chooses to stay here because of you."

"She needs to be safe."

"Matthew, we live in modern times. There are several ways to keep her safe, to keep her and that baby safe, but she still decided to be here with you. Why do you think that is?"

"I don’t know, Mama. But if you're thinking that she's a way for me to be happy, don't go there. Too many lives have been lost because they've put their trust in me and I refuse to allow that to happen to her and that baby."

"When are you going to see, mijo. You did nothing wrong over there." She touches my side. Not many people know of my scars, not many people have seen them. Very few know the extent of the injuries I obtained when I ran the other way, instead of facing the hell that was in front of me. "This is proof that you put your life before others. Your body is proof that you always put other's first."