Page 34 of Discerning Blake

After cake, we go home. It’s the first time I’ve taken Chase to the studio apartment. I’m anxious to know what he’s going to think.

“It’s only temporary,” I tell him as he walks around the small space like he’s looking for the rest of it. “We’ll get something bigger eventually, so you can have your own room.”

“Whatever. I already have a room.”

“I know. But it’s going to be your dad’s house, and I’d like you to have a room in my house too.”

“You didn’t have to leave.”

My heart breaks.

I want to tell him that it wasn’t my fault. I want to cry that his father threw me out. But I don’t want to put him in the middle of this. I don’t want to prejudice him against his father. Even if Ethan deserves it, Chase doesn’t deserve to be estranged from his parent.

“I did.”

“Because of Charlotte?”

There it goes again, the knife twisting in my chest.

“Yes.”

“I wish she would leave.”

I grab Chase in a tight hug.

“I know that it’s hard that everything is changing. But your dad and I love you very much, and it’s going to be alright. I promise. You and I are going to find the best house where you’ll have a new room that you can decorate any way you want. It’ll be fun.”

“Where am I sleeping tonight?” He looks at the double bed at the back of the room.

“You can sleep with me in the big bed. Or do you prefer we set up the couch bed?”

“Do what you want.”

“I want you in the bed so I can cuddle you all night.”

I squeeze him tighter and make kissy sounds.

“Gross. I’ll take the couch.”

He pushes against me. And I let him go.

“You liked it when you were four.”

“I’m not a little kid anymore.”

“Like you want.”

I take out some extra sheets and turn the couch into a bed for him.

We play a couple rounds of Uno, which we both conclude—as we always do—is not meant to be a two-person game. Then he watches some TV, and it’s time for bed.

I listen to his breathing as I lie in bed. He can’t fall asleep. My gut wrenches wondering what he must be feeling right now. Chase has never liked spending the night away from home. He likes his room. He likes his bed. He likes his habits. It tears me apart to be doing this to him.

I don’t think I’ve ever hated Ethan as much as I do in this moment. I think over our years of marriage, looking for a time when I could have acted differently and saved our marriage. But the truth is, I have no idea what I did wrong. Ethan never told me. He just went about his day pretending everything was alright.

He never acted like things were great, and he complained a lot. But he never once said Fix this or I’m leaving.

If he had, I would have fixed it. Not because I was madly in love with him, but because I loved our family. I loved our life.