Page 85 of Shine Bright

We’re rushing headlong to our doom, that’s what we’re doing, and we don’t care at all.

Phoenix groans as I lift my pelvis a little, changing the angle. I know it’s almost over, but it can’t be over, because then it really would be the end. But we can’t slow down. Neither of us can. He slides a hand between us, his fingers immediately finding the spot that aches with desire. I arch my back, bite his lower lip to suppress the scream rising inside me as searing heat explodes in my belly and the muscles inside me twitch and contract.

He comes with a moan that burrows deep into my core. We slump forward at the same time, his skin wet with sweat. My shirt is sticking to my body. Phoenix pulls me close, like he never wants to let me go again. But he has to.

Soon.

Now.

Reality is catching up with us much too quickly.

I lift my head, my body throbbing and my heart pounding, and everything hurts. My gaze meets his, and I drown in his eyes. Tears well up inside me, I blink them away.

A kiss. Another kiss. Not enough. I want everything, but I can’t have it.

I kiss him, and he has to understand that he is the only secret I don’t want to burn.

Then I push him away.

“You have to go now,” I whisper, my voice hoarse. He opens his mouth to protest.

You and I are so much more than nothing, Ophelia. Much more. You know that. Don’t give up on us.

I beat him to it. “I can’t do this. I really can’t, Phoenix. It’s not about what I want. It’s about what I can handle, and I can’t handle this. You’re asking too much of me. You’re turning me into someone I don’t want to be.” Lie, lie, lie. “I have to focus on myself. Me and my studies and my career. You’re making everything too complicated, and I can’t deal with it.” What I’m saying doesn’t make sense, because he’s made me better. In every way.

I felt like myself with him, and I’ve been dancing better too. If I were really selfish, I would just carry on, taking what he can give me, whatever he’s willing to give. And maybe at some point, I would learn what he’s supposed to be teaching me. How to feel and show my feelings.

But the price for that is too unpredictable, and I can’t let him pay it. He’s already lost too much.

“You really have to go now, Phoenix,” I repeat, and this time he does as I ask.

He gets dressed and leaves.

The door closes behind him, and as I stumble toward my bed, my feet catch in soft fabric, and I fall. It’s not my leggings but the T-shirt he was wearing under his hoodie. Either he forgot it or he left it here on purpose. I hope it’s the latter, because it makes everything a little worse and also a little better.

My fingers tremble as I pick up the garment and climb into bed. I bury my nose in the soft material; it smells like him, and I burst into tears.

Part 4 Act 4

Chapter 42

Lia

I’m running on autopilot.

I function like I always do, but I feel like I’m being remote-controlled. I get up, go to breakfast, and then to class. I ignore Phoenix as best I can and focus on Francesca instead, even though he’s the one leading the class, not her. But I can’t look at him. It’s truly unbearable. I didn’t know that just looking at someone could hurt so much.

I dance and dance until I almost collapse with exhaustion, and then I go to bed and sleep. Every day is the same, week after week. My life is a blurry mess. I hardly notice anything that doesn’t have to do with ballet or Swan Lake. Rehearsals are going badly, but so is everything else, so that’s no surprise. I’m failing, and it doesn’t help that I’m trying hard and giving everything I have left. It’s not enough.

It’s not enough because I have to lock away my feelings.

Pearson expects exactly the opposite of what I’m doing, but I just can’t do what he wants. If I let myself feel what’s really happening, I’ll drown. And then everyone would know what’s going on.

Right now, no one suspects a thing. No one has the slightest idea that every time I see Phoenix and can’t talk to him, something inside me breaks. My stomach drops every time he tells me what to do during rehearsals, and I can’t manage to follow his instructions even once.

No one else seems to notice, but I can see that Susannah is fading away a little more every day, and I worry about her in a very selfish way, because it’s so much easier to focus on her problems than on my own.

During lunch break, I sit with her, Katie, Charlie, and Tyler at one of the round tables and make sure Susannah is eating enough. It’s ironic, considering that I can hardly eat a thing myself.