Page 79 of Shine Bright

Now I understand why the job is so important to him and why he was so angry when he thought I had told Pearson about us on the first day of the semester. Not just because he probably would have been fired immediately. What would he have told Isabel’s parents? That he lost his job for having sex with a student?

I suppress a sigh and let my head sink against the wall, closing my eyes for a moment. Tears overflow. It’s all too complicated.

Part of me wants to be angry because he didn’t tell me about Olivia until now, but I’m too tired to be angry, too exhausted and empty. And I can understand why he didn’t. I really do, but it still hurts because somehow, I don’t want to understand. I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what to do. What should we do? How should we move forward? What is this thing between us?

We can figure it out together.

I wanted so much to believe him. I still do, but unfortunately everything has changed now. I’m afraid that we won’t be able to figure anything out because it’s not just about us now. Also, it’s not just about him losing his job if what’s happening between us comes out.

There’s so much more at risk.

I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

For all of this.

He has a daughter.

He has responsibilities.

And I’m drifting aimlessly through a sea of questions and uncertainties, dreams and fears. I don’t know what my future holds, but his is becoming clearer and clearer. He has a place in this city, at the New England School of Ballet. My time here, on the other hand, is coming to an end. I have no idea where I’m going to end up or where I belong.

All I know is that I could never forgive myself if he lost his job because of me. Or if he lost Olivia. Or the future he deserves.

Phoenix sighs as I get out of bed, but he doesn’t wake up. My heart is pounding, and I can feel it in my throat. I don’t want to do this, but I have to. I have to get out of here, just go somewhere I can think and cry.

I grab my bag and sneak out, just like that night so many months ago. It feels like half a lifetime has passed since then. In a way, it has.

I sneak out and leave him behind, but this time it’s different. This time it feels like I’m leaving my heart with him. My dark, jealous heart with all its wounds, which healed a little more just from having him be there, listening to me, seeing me.

He stole my heart, not even on purpose. It just happened, and I’m afraid I’ll never have a chance to get it back.

Even if this thing between us ends now.

History repeats itself in a twisted way.

And once again, it will be over.

Except this time, it was everything I wanted.

Chapter 40

Phoenix

Lia is gone when I wake up. It doesn’t surprise me, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. It’s hard; every breath hurts. Everything hurts. I told her about Olivia, and now she’s gone.

It’s better like this.

I didn’t expect her to leave. But I didn’t expect her to stay either. She stayed yesterday, and she held me, and somehow that gave me hope. I’m not sure what I was hoping for.

Too much, I guess.

I run my fingers over the mattress, and the space next to me is empty and cold. She didn’t just disappear at dawn so she could get back to school on time. She left quite a while ago.

It’s better this way.

Yes, it might be. But it doesn’t feel that way.

I take a deep breath as I lie motionless and stare at the white ceiling. I want to close my eyes and go back to sleep. I don’t want to deal with this day. I don’t want to face Lia in class and then at rehearsals. She’ll end it, I’m sure of it.