Page 105 of Shine Bright

“I guess that’s it then,” Tyler says tonelessly. We sit in the dorm lounge, scattered around on various sofas and armchairs, not quite sure what to do with ourselves. Not sure how to move forward.

“Don’t say that.” Charlie, sitting next to me, is just as pale as the rest of us.

“What? It’s true. You don’t just collapse for no reason. Maybe she’s sick, really sick, and then . . .” He shrugs and trails off.

“Tyler, shut up! She’s not sick, she’s fine. It was just the excitement.” Katie glares at him angrily, although at that moment, I almost agree with him.

“Come on. Susannah never gets excited. Not like that. And if she does, maybe she should reconsider her career choice. She can’t keep fainting whenever she has to go on stage.”

“God, Tyler, stop it! Maybe she just didn’t drink enough water today. These things happen.”

“Are you even listening to yourself? You’re sugarcoating the whole thing, aren’t you? Stuff like that doesn’t just happen.”

“I don’t care! Just shut up and stop being such an insensitive asshole!” Katie snaps.

I want to say something, but I can’t get a word out. The moment Susannah collapsed and stayed motionless on the hard stage floor plays over and over in my head in a horrible, continuous loop.

I feel so sick that I just want to cry and hide.

It’s my fault, isn’t it? I didn’t say anything. I didn’t stop her. I didn’t look after her. I didn’t help her.

I did nothing.

I just looked away.

Why? Because I was afraid? Or because I was too obsessed with myself the whole time? Yeah, I guess that’s it. I can’t blame Katie and Susannah for not seeing me, because I didn’t see them either. Not really.

“I’m going to the hospital,” I blurt out, silencing Tyler and Katie, who are still arguing.

“Francesca said we should wait here and that she’ll let us know when she finds out what’s happening,” Tyler objects. He really needs to shut up.

I ignore him—my mind is made up. I don’t care what Francesca said; I can’t just sit here doing nothing.

“Are you coming with me?” I look at Katie, and she nods without hesitation. I take my phone out of my pocket and order an Uber before we get up and cross the lounge without saying a word. We don’t talk as we leave the dorm and walk to the parking lot. We don’t talk when we finally get into the car, and not when we enter the hospital and are told at the reception desk to wait. They can’t tell us anything about Susannah’s condition yet.

We find two empty seats among the others waiting for news that they might not even want to hear. There are too many of them. In the end, it makes no difference whether we sit and wait here or in the dorm common room, but it feels different. We wait, until at some point, I can’t bear the silence anymore.

“She’s sick,” I say quietly.

“That’s why we’re here,” Katie says distractedly, her gaze darting restlessly around the room as she picks at her cuticles. That’s something she only does when she’s very nervous.

“No, I mean she’s really sick.” I look at her meaningfully, and finally she understands.

Her eyes widen, and she swallows hard. “What do you mean?”

“Haven’t you noticed how thin she’s gotten?”

“No. Well, yes, but you know how she is. She always loses weight when she’s stressed.” She grimaces, not believing a word she’s saying.

My skin starts to prickle uncomfortably. The truth is pushing its way out. “I saw her throwing up. And I think she did it on purpose.”

Silence hits me. Katie doesn’t contradict me. She doesn’t say it’s nonsense or that I’m wrong. She doesn’t defend Susannah.

I straighten my back. “But you already knew that, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” she admits unhappily. Her eyes look like they’re about to overflow, like she’s going to cry at any moment. That makes two of us.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I ask, much more reproachfully than I intended.