Page 35 of My Fixation

“I met Trent in boot camp. We became friends, best friends.” He goes quiet for a second before continuing. “I’d always known I was gay, but I never told anyone. Especially not in the Marines.”

His voice stays steady, but there’s something strained underneath it now, something held together too tightly.

“We ended up stationed together during our first deployment. I kept my crush on him to myself, figured that was where it would stay.” His hand stills briefly against my chest.

“Then one day, my patrol got hit. Trent wasn’t with us.”

The room feels quieter somehow as he speaks, like even the air is listening.

“It took twelve hours to get back to base. By the time I found him, he was a wreck. He didn’t know if I was dead or one of the guys who got dragged out in pieces.” His fingers curl hard into my shirt before slowly releasing it again.

“I only had superficial injuries, but some of the others…” His voice catches slightly. “They weren’t as lucky.” He swallows before going on with his story.

“Trent told me he loved me right there.” There’s no warmth in his voice when he says it now, only exhaustion. “Said he knew I felt the same way. And for a while…” His fingers start moving against my chest again, slower this time. “…I really thought he was going to be my forever.”

I have to grit my teeth to keep the growl building in my chest from slipping out.

Jaxon is mine, and the idea of someone else having him, touching him, claiming him sends a sharp, unwelcome heat through me.

“But about two weeks before we were supposed to come home… everything changed.”

He takes a shaky breath, and I run my fingers through his hair, slower this time, careful, hoping it’s enough to steady him. “We’d talked about getting a place together, but we never made real plans. We still had time, or at least I thought we did.”

His voice tightens just slightly. “We were two weeks out, and I started pushing for details. He kept dodging me at first—said he had it handled.” His fingers curl into my shirt again, gripping hard before easing off.

“Then one night…” He swallows. “He told me none of it was real.” The words hang there for a second before he forces the rest out. “Said it was all just a fantasy. That I was just something to pass the time.”

“Where is he now?” I ask when Jaxon falls quiet again.

“Dead.” The word lands flat and heavy against my chest. “His patrol got ambushed about a week later.”

He shifts slightly against me, settling his head more firmly over my heart before continuing. “I spent four years loving someone who never actually loved me back… and then I had to mourn him like he was just another soldier we lost.”

There’s no anger in his voice when he says it. That almost makes it worse.

“The worst part?” He lets out a humorless laugh. “Before he died, he’d already started telling some of the guys that I’d gotten fixated on him.”

My hand stills in his hair.

“I never heard the full story he fed them. Just enough to know he made it sound like I was the one chasing after him, making him uncomfortable.” His fingers tighten briefly against my side before loosening again. “Guess he forgot to mention the part where he was fucking me every chance he got.”

This time, I don’t stop the growl that slips out of me. Jaxon’s been fighting a ghost, one that tore his world apart and left nothing behind to fight back against. No way for him to win. Not on his own.

I roll us over, shifting until I’m above him, braced on one elbow while letting just enough of my weight settle over him. I want him to feel it. To know I’m here, that I’m not going anywhere.

“You never should’ve had to go through that,” I say, my voice rougher than I intend. “Trent was a piece of shit. He didn’t deserve you then, and he sure as hell doesn’t now.”

I lower my face toward his slowly, giving him more than enough time to pull away if he wants to. He never breaks eye contact. Neither do I. When our lips finally meet, the kiss is soft, careful in a way I’m not used to being with anyone. I brace myself for rejection, for him to tense or shove me back, but instead, a quiet whimper slips from him as his lips move against mine. The sound nearly undoes me. Still, I don’t push for more.

I pull back after a few slow kisses and press one more against his forehead instead, lingering there for a second longer than I should.

“You deserve everything good in this world, Jaxon.”

A rough scoff leaves him. “And you’re gonna give me that?” he asks quietly. “You don’t even know me, Conor.”

“I know enough,” I say, steady. My thumb brushes lightly along his jaw, keeping him right where he is.“I know that you look rough and tough, but inside you’re sweet and caring. You’ve been thrown into a violent world that you don’t belong in. You deserve to have someone fighting for you so you don’t have to. So yeah, Jaxon, I plan on giving you that and more.”

I kiss him again, brief and soft, even though every part of me wants to deepen it, to really taste him and see if he makes that quiet sound again. But now isn’t the time for that. He needs care more than he needs hunger from me, and I know the difference.