Page 83 of Forgiving Utah

And I can tell by the way his breath hitches that it really bothers him. With how close he and Christian are, I always figured there were no secrets between them. Clearly, I was wrong.

“Maybe, we should go,” I say, but my feet don't get the memo. They carry me closer to the room Christian and Carlos disappeared into.

Tay follows close behind. “Yeah. Like, we should probably give them privacy.”

“Family shit, right?” I stop right outside the door and press my ear to the wood just as he does the same.

“Yeah, family shit. Which includes the two of us. Maybe we should listen just in case.”

“Seriously, you two?” Huckslee scowls at us, but we pay him no mind.

It's on the tip of my tongue to tell Taylor that I'm not Christian’s family, but the sound of his voice in distress has the words dying in my throat.

“I promised I'd never turn into him, and I haven't. I'm not Dad, Carlos.”

“No, you're not, and that's why it hurts to see you holding that bottle.”

Taylor and I hold our breaths like they might hear us on the other side.

“You told me you'd never drink vodka, that the smell makes you sick. Makes you think of him.”

“It does,” Christian replies, but he sounds smaller than I've ever heard him.

“Then why the hell are you drinking it?”

A long pause follows the question. “I don't know, okay? Things got really fucked over the past year, and everyone left me. I just… needed something.”

“So vodka was the answer?”

“Nothing else felt like enough.”

“Enough to what?”

“...enough to hurt.”

Everyone left me.

Taylor's brow slams down when Carlos lets out a frustrated breath. Behind us, Huck clears his throat pointedly. “Okay. That’s… probably our cue to leave.”

I nod, even though I'd rather stay to hear the rest.

As we back away from the door, one last thing slips through the crack before Carlos lowers his voice completely.

“You can ask me for help, you know. I'm not a kid you gotta protect anymore. Maybe I can protect you for once.”

Everyone left me.

Christian's reply is drowned out by the music when we head back outside. His family is still dancing, enjoying themselves beneath the glittering lights and stars. Laughter and chatter surround us, but it feels almost criminal.

How can they all be so joyous when one of their own is inside falling apart?

Everyone left me.

The answer hits me like a kick in the teeth as I follow Taylor and Huck across the yard, over to the field where the kids are still playing.

None of them even know about it.

Because the one falling apart has spent his whole life trying to hold everyone together.