Page 56 of Forgiving Utah

I pull up my sleeve and inspect my raw arm with a frown. “The one we both lost because we crashed?”

Fuck, these cuts hurt like a bitch. It’ll be fun to scrub the gravel out of them later.

“Yeah…” Tay trails off as he chews his bottom lip. “There's actually something about that race I never told you.”

My head snaps up. “What? Why? What happened?”

“Sometimes it hurts to think about,” he shrugs, refusing to look me in the eye. A tight feeling tugs at my chest. “When Huck won that scholarship, he, uh… transferred it to me. The whole thing.”

“For real?”

“Yeah. I didn't know that when I… you know, outed him in front of our entire town, pretty much. And then he tried to…”

Trailing off again, Taylor slowly rubs his collarbone, the one he snapped trying to save Huckslee's life. I know it bothers him sometimes, though personally I think the ache is all in his head. Still, though, I reach out and touch his arm.

“You didn't know that was going to happen, cariño. It's not your fault. He's forgiven you for that.” I must have told him this a thousand times already over the last several years. So has his therapist.

“I know. Still doesn't change what happened, though.”

“No,” I sigh, setting down my helmet to re-tie my loose hair. “It doesn't. Does this have anything to do with the shit you said you were going through over the summer?”

“I wanna ask Huck to marry me,” he blurts, wincing when my jaw drops to the ground.

“You're gonna what? When? What the shit!”

Blowing out a breath, Taylor lets his head fall back. His fingers fiddle with the clutch nervously. “I don't know. I just know that I want to ask really fucking badly. I’ve never liked the idea of being tied down before, but Logan almost dying last year really put things into perspective.”

I gape at him for a few moments as my brain tries to process his words. “Well, that's… good though, right? Why do you look so fucking sad?” Anger ignites in my blood when a thought occurs to me. “Unless you asked already and that motherfucker said no?”

“Jesus, chill,” he chuckles, finally smiling. “I haven't asked yet. But like… What if Huck had been on that bike with Devon instead? What if it were me? What if no one survived?”

My breath catches at the thought of him—and Devon for fuck's sake—being taken away from me. It was bad enough when it was Logan, but if it had been Taylor? My terror twin, my other half. Basically, my everything since kindergarten. I'd never survive it. As for Devon…

I swallow hard and drag a hand down my face to hide the guilt from the blowie he gave me this morning.

Fucker took a rideshare and didn't tell anyone where he was going. Try as I might to push the worry out of my mind, I can't help the images in my head of him back in that dumpy motel room with a nose full of powder. It wouldn’t be my fault, obviously, because I can't control what Devon does, but… the worry is there.

Clearing my throat, I return my focus to the conversation. “Why haven't you asked yet? Huck to marry you, I mean.”

“I'm… I dunno. Waiting, I guess.”

“For what?”

Taylor's silent for a long moment. “Until I can forgive myself,” he finally says, dropping his gaze.

My damn heart lurches at that, causing me to inhale sharply. Without thinking, I yank my best friend into a tight hug. “You gotta stop doing that shit, motherfucker.”

He lets out a surprised grunt before melting into my arms. “Doing what?”

“Acting like you’re the villain all the time.” Pulling back slightly, I look him straight in the eyes. “You were a dumbass kid, same as me. Same as Huck. We all were. You made one mistake and you’ve been torturing yourself for fucking ever over it.”

He tries to look away, but I grab his cheeks between my fingers and squish them. “Hey. No. Look at me.”

He snorts through his fish lips, but holds my gaze with amusement.

“You think Huck’s sitting around keeping score? Making notes every time you fuck up? If he is, then he ain't the one.”

Shame and longing war with each other in Taylor's eyes. “Of course not. I just… I don’t want to carry this shit into a marriage. I don't wanna end up like my mom and dad.”