Page 83 of Bro Code

They stood with the dashers between them. Riley took off his helmet and scrubbed the sweaty hair underneath. “Why didn’t you tell me you were risking your job?”

Louis leveled his gaze. “Why didn’t you tell me you lied to the team psychiatrist?”

“I didn’t lie.” Riley avoided his eyes as he skated to the gate and stepped through it off the ice. He clomped to the bench in his skates and sat down.

“Then why did she clear you to go back on the ice?”

Sighing, Riley set down his helmet. “I didn’t lie. I just…omitted some truths.” He bent to untie his skates as Louis walked over and sat down beside him. They sat in silence while Riley finished and set them under the bench.

“Listen,” said Louis, “…they’re talking about trading you before the December freeze if your metrics don’t come up. You need to talk to someone professional. I can’t be the only person who knows what’s going on.”

Riley nodded, staring at the floor between his feet, his ears ringing.

“They have resources, right? There’s a psych, there’s therapy, there’s people who can help.”

“Yeah.” Riley sighed, pushing the hair off his forehead as he sat back. “It’s just not…quite as simple as all that.”

“Because…?”

“Because if I go through the team psych, and it’s really serious, she’ll refer me to the Player Assistance Program, and if she does that…it’s a whole thing. They do a press release, and I have to go on a leave of absence, and it would be like…”

He was having the closing-in feeling again.

“I’d be letting down so many people,” he said.

Louis frowned. “What do you mean? Who?”

“People would say I can’t handle the pressure because I’m gay, and then they’d start pointing at that and saying that’s why we shouldn’t let guys like that in the league, and then Nic and Liam would take heat for it too, and — You know Rodriguez came up to me after our first game against Tampa and said I was like an inspiration for him? Like, that’s why he came out. What if he finds out that I’m scared to be gay in the NHL? And my parents – are just, like, so proud, and if I went off the ice–” He swallowed. He hadn’t meant to say all that. He hadn’t even really realized that was how he felt.

A long silence followed. Eventually, Louis said, “You know…all those people you just named. They’re not… You’re not gonna let any of them down. Those people are on your side. They’re the ones that have your back.”

Riley nodded, hearing the obviousness of what he was saying. “I know.”

“Do you?”

“Yes. Logically. I know that. But I can’t get rid of this feeling like I’m…” He didn’t know how to explain it. “The night I got traded up here, I told my agent I wanted to sue the Rangers, because I know they did it at least partly because I’m gay. And he said I could, if that’s what I wanted. But that they’d take me apart in court and the media would destroy me, and I’d be off the ice all season, and after that, probably no team would ever take me back. He said I might never play hockey again.” He spread his hands, studying his gloves. “So I chickened out. I could’ve actually done something – you know, like taken an actual stand, and instead I’m just lying around in my boxers making money off brand deals. I’m doing nothing at all. Because I was scared. Like I’m scared of everything.”

Louis reached out and gripped him by the nape of the neck. “Riley, it’s not your job to be that person. There’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself. Your agent was probably right, and if you never got to play hockey again, you wouldn’t be much of a role model, would you? You wouldn’t even get to be in the underwear ads, and that is something, you know. That’s visible.”

Riley looked away, sighing. “Honestly sometimes I wish I hadn’t done that. It’s kind of creepy knowing it’s out there.”

Louis squeezed his neck. “I’m really sorry you feel that way. But I, for one, would be devastated if that didn’t exist.” Riley flicked his eyes up and Louis smiled. “You did what was best for you. You shouldn’t feel bad about that.”

“I guess so. Right now I don’t even know if I wanna press charges against Okafor. Rick keeps asking and I just feel like…what if I can’t handle it? I don’t know if I wanna get into all that, you know? But that’s just me being scared again, and not taking a stand–”

“It’s not on you,” said Louis. “One case isn’t going the change things. Everything has to shift. The fans and the guys on other teams and the people in charge…all of it. You’re not responsible for that.”

“But it could be a spark. It might have made people listen.”

“Y—es. But so can a lot of other things that don’t require you to blow up your life.” Louis squeezed the nape of his neck and let go. “Anyway, people are listening. You have more people on your side than you think.”

“Maybe.”

“Reef Okafor is like the exception that proves the rule. You’ve seen the way people are responding to what he did. Fans are pissed. Even the league isn’t trying to protect him. So in a way, you kind of have lit a spark — people are behind you. And I’m still on your side, even if I have to step back from this.”

Riley looked at him. “I’m really sorry I almost got you fired–”

“It’s not your fault. I did this to myself.”