Page 104 of Say Hello, Kiss Goodbye
“I am, Saz. I love what I’m doing.”
“I’m not talking about Frill-Seekers.” Sarah looked up from her lap. “I’m talking cuddles on the sofa after a long day. Flowers ‘just because’. Mornings spent in bed talking. All the amazing things love and intimacy bring in moments shared with someone who adores and respects you. And I don’t have to steal Shantelle’s tarot cards or read your journal to know you believe that, too.”
A knot grew in Leia’s throat, the aftershocks of Tyler’s philandering ways still rippling through her life a year after their tumultuous split. “Sarah—”
“Every day, you take damaged fabrics and lovingly turn them into beautiful dresses. You’d never throw away a torn piece of lace or frayed silk—so why are you doing that with your heart? Yeah, I know it’s been shattered into a million pieces, but that doesn’t mean you sweep it up and chuck it in a dumpster.” She nudged her glasses up her nose. “If anyone deserves a second chance at love, it’s you, Ley. That’s all I’m trying to say. And if you feel like I steamroll you, well, so be it.” With a sniff, Sarah broke eye contact and hung back in her chair, her tea cup hovering by her lips. She stared vacantly out the window as the pianist’s version of “This Guy’s in Love with You” filled the airy salon.
Restlessness tussled in Leia’s stomach. I know she only wants what’s best for me. With Mom gone, I should be listening to her. I need her. We need each other. And my hesitance to share how I really feel isn’t honoring our sisterly pact or Mom. She chewed the inside of her cheek. Sarah deserves the truth… and I’m tired of running from it. Leia’s fingers flipped the charm on her bracelet over…and over. “So, your question…” She cleared her throat. “The answer is yes.”
Sarah blinked back into the conversation. “Yes what?”
“Yes, I regret walking away from Tarquin.”
Lips parting, her sister lowered her teacup and let out a mournful sigh.
Leia swallowed. “I met up with him to put things straight and say goodbye, but seeing him again…my god, Saz. All I wanted to do was kiss him, say yes to everything he suggested, and drag him back to mine.”
“So, why didn’t you? You’re allowed to change your mind, you know!”
“I had to know why he ghosted me. My stupid anxious brain wouldn’t let it go. But before I could even mention it, Tarquin said he loved me.” Her eyes smiled. “I was SO surprised—on cloud fucking nine! I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, HE LOVES ME! And I came so close to saying ‘I love you’ back.” Leia’s face fell. “But then the gravity of it hit me. What if we started something, turned our lives upside down for each other, and months later, it all fell apart?” A sobbed lodged in her throat. “Saz, I don’t know if my heart could take it again.”
“But Ley, Tarquin’s NOT Tyler.”
“I know, but don’t you see? Tarquin’s kind and unselfish, loving—I have so much more to lose.” Leia sighed. “And he showed me a different side that day. He was vulnerable and shared stuff he’s never told me before.” She met her sister’s eyes. “He has depression, Saz.”
“Really?” Sarah’s voice jumped. “You’d never know.”
“He’s struggled with it on and off for years but didn’t tell anyone until recently. That’s partly why he wasn’t in touch. He had a depressive episode and couldn’t climb out.”
Sarah tsked. “Toxic masculinity has so much to answer for. Remember what Mom told us? What she went through with Dad? It took him forever to go see a therapist.”
“And that’s the thing.” Leia nodded. “I know it can be difficult for guys. Fuck, most of them won’t ask for directions, let alone mental health help. But I get it! I understand the stigma better than most. I’ve lived with it. I felt awful, hearing how Tarquin dealt on his own. He said he planned to get in touch when he felt better, but I can’t lie…I wish he’d told me earlier instead of ghosting me for seven months.”
“Yeah, but sharing secrets is frightening.”
“Tell me about it. I’m the queen of secrets,” said Leia.
“Well, then you know how hard it is to share them with the people you love the most.” Sarah paused and gave her sister an empathetic smile.
Yeah, there is that. There’s still so much I haven’t told him. Leia blew out her cheeks. “All these intense feelings, his, mine—they scare the hell out of me. They make me doubt everything. What if he was just telling me what I wanted to hear? He’s done it before, swearing up and down he was fine with a casual fling when he actually wanted more.”
“I think he’s learned his lesson, Ley. At least he was completely straight with you about his demons, about his feelings for you.”
“Well, I went the other way and lied through my teeth. Instead of accepting his apology and having hot makeup sex, I did what I always do—looked for an emergency exit, this time an emotional one. I picked a fight and lied about my feelings. Then, I stormed off like he didn’t matter. But that’s just it…he does matter.”
Sarah leaned forward. “Well, tell him, then. Text him.”
“I can’t. I made it perfectly clear there was no ‘us’. I played a blinder. Isn’t that the saying over here?”
“So you were convincing—so what! You can take it back, you know. Nothing is set in stone.”
“And you think he’ll forgive me? After tossing his ‘I love you’ away like trash and blocking him on Instagram?” Leia’s heart panged. “Even if he did, it doesn’t fix the fact that I’m tied to New York and Tarquin runs a London-based business. Sarah, I meant everything I said about long-distance relationships. I couldn’t deal with Tyler coming and going during the hockey season, but at least he had summers off. Tarquin works year-round in the UK. We’d be separated continually with no end date in sight. Just being together when one of us can spare a few days here and there…”
“But isn’t he worth it, though?”
A familiar ache prickled the back of her nose. “I’ve just stopped crying. Please don’t make me start again.”
Sarah reached across the table and took her sister’s hand. “Oh, Leia. You deserve to be happy and to find someone who loves you more than life itself. I want you to have what Mom had with Dad.”
