Page 55 of The Bratva’s Monster

I do know why I’ve been sleeping with Rikki. The first time had been about feeling something other than the grief that I’d been carrying. And the second time was about connection and holding onto something while I’m whipping around in the wind. I ran to him because he’s been like a shelter in a storm. Despite it all, I feel protected in his arms.

“I think I’m in trouble, Yeva,” I tell her. “I mean… I am in trouble with some other stuff, but also… also, I think I might be falling for him.”

She sighs. “Oh, Lizzy.”

“Tell me I’m crazy. Tell me that Rikki is the worst possible person to want to be with. I mean, he’s the family monster, right? He’s the big, scary beast that tortures and kills people. I’d have to be insane to want him the way I do.”

“Unfortunately, that’s what being in love is about. You lose your mind over somebody and somehow, it works out.” Her voice is low and gentle. It’s almost uncharacteristic of her.

“But Rikki…” She continues, “He’s also been the wall between everything that’s ever tried to hurt Alex, me, and my dad when he was alive. I mean, sure, he’s done some pretty terrible things, but Liz, these are Bratva men. They’ve all done some pretty terrible things. Looking for Ghandi among thieves and assassins is what’s actually crazy.”

I sink into the chair, a dreadful sadness weighing me down. “So, what to do, then? I’m going to have a baby. I shouldn’t be falling for a man like him. I should be… I should be with somebody safe. Like an accountant or something.”

She laughs. “An accountant? You can’t be serious.”

“I am. At least then, I won’t have to worry about somebody coming along and killing me because of something that he did that I’m not even involved in. At least I’ll never come home and find pieces of someone who tried to break in and hurt him.” I pause and just for a moment, I try to imagine some normal existence, coming home to a man in a suit and tie and wire-rimmed glasses. Sitting at dinner while I listen to him talk about how Bill at work stole his stapler.

“If that’s what you really want,” Yeva says, “I mean, that’s fine, I guess. Boring as shit, but fine.”

“Maybe that’s what I need,” I say as I sit up in my chair. “Boring.”

“Mmm. Boring doesn’t really get you wet, though. You can’t go down on ‘boring’ in the middle of a crowded restaurant. And ‘boring’ won’t finger you in back of the church during mass. It’s just straight missionary through a hole in the sheets.”

I try to hold back a laugh, but it sputters out anyway. “Yeva.”

“What? You know I’m right. I’ve dated a lot of guys, you know. Some of them nice and normal, even. Nobody makes my blood pump like somebody that runs with the wolves like the Bratva do.” She pauses. “It’s like being addicted to cocaine. When you’re in the throes of it, you know it’s bad for you. You might even know that it’ll kill you one day. Still, you can’t help going back for another line.”

I’ve never heard anything more accurate. I’m pretty sure I thought the same things when Gedeon and I first got together. He was a bad boy and I was a wide-eyed girl from the Midwest looking for her fortune in New York. Back then, being with him was like eating pounds of super-rich chocolate.

But Rikki… Oh, Rikki is something so much more dangerous. He’s driving an expensive sports car a hundred miles an hour or skydiving with no parachute. Being with him has felt like liquid adrenaline.

“I’ve lost my mind,” I say listlessly. “All the way around, Yeva.”

“Probably.” She pauses, then, “So, he’s not handling the news about the pregnancy well at all, huh?”

“He left,” I say with a little shrug. “Hours ago. God, he’s got to think I’m the biggest tramp on this side of New York. Fucking him while I’m pregnant with his best friend’s baby. I can’t actually blame him for leaving.”

She sighs again, and this time, she takes a beat before speaking. “My brother… well, both my brothers are complicated men, Liz. They’re fighters. Both of them. It’s the one thing they know how to do the best. But they’re also lovers. And they’ll never admit this, but they both love hard. Once you get under their skin, they’ll move mountains for you. Rikki especially.”

I laugh a little. “You say that like he could be falling for me too.”

“I can’t speak to that, honestly. Only you can,” she says. “If there’s any chance that he is, well, there are worse sides of him that you could be on, you know.”

“That’s fair, I guess.” I pick up a pen that’s been lying on this desk for who knows how long. I’m twisting it around between my fingers, listlessly thinking about it all. “I really should be running away. From all this.” I’m hesitating with the rest. She’s the sister of the Pakhan. And while she doesn’t have the same clearance as someone like Rikki does, I can’t be sure that she knows everything that’s going on.

And whether or not she does, telling her would put her in the middle of it and I can’t do that. I’ve already got Rikki swimming neck deep in my shit. I can’t pull Yeva in as well.

I start to cry again. Damn, I’ve been crying more in these last couple of weeks than I did at Gedeon’s funeral. Yeva says, “You’re seriously thinking about running, aren’t you?”

“Can you blame me? What else can I do? If I’ve chased Rikki off⁠—”

“You haven’t chased him off,” she says. “He’ll be back. And when he comes back… Liz, you need to tell him how you feel about him. The only way forward is for you to stand your ground, and following your heart is the best way I can think of to do that.”

I sniffle, thinking about that. I imagine Rikki has already tried to stand up to Alex. Maybe he’s even defended me to him. Maybe. “I have to put a lot of trust in him,” I say. “It’s so risky.”

“Everything is risk,” she says, and I hear a smile in her voice. “But I think it’s better to take the risk that leads to your being your truest self. Plus…” She trails off, then starts again. “If Rikki is going to shut you out because of this, then, honestly, it’s better you know now.”

She’s right. I know she’s right. I look down at the papers in front of me and over at the emails on Gedeon’s computer. Even if Rikki turns his back on me and this baby, I have to try.