Page 5 of Teddy Bear

Olivia is worthless. Worthless, worthless, worthless.

I repeat it to myself, trying hard to summon Danny's image in my mind, but it's like I'm falling through a tunnel; everything is dark, I'm in a bottomless space, there's only darkness around me.

-Where are you now, Lizzie?

I spin aimlessly inside the room, naked, tears running down my cheeks.

I hear his voice breaking through the blackness. I accept it consciously, eagerly, desperate to get out of here and return to the beautiful stage of our future, pink passion.

I have yet to show him what I have prepared for him today.

-I was on the purple stage; everything around me was pink, thousands of fireflies were floating above my head, but there was an interruption, and now I don't know where I am anymore.

I admit a bit sad, hugging my bare knees and pulling them close, I realize I'm actually sitting on the floor. Something beneath me is quite soft, which means I'm definitely not in a black hole.

I sit in the middle of the room and curl up as I listen to Danny's voice speaking to me from the other side of the glass.

- It's okay, Lizzie, be a good girl and come back to me. Just follow my voice.

I nod, small and weak, ready to obey his every word now, only to turn back.

I lay down, letting my entire body now feel the soft blanket beneath my taut, white skin. Is this cotton candy? Is this a cloud? Are these soft and muscular Danny's arms?

I run my fingers over the ridges of my nipples, feeling them harden slightly and get firmer. As I play like this, I am no longer afraid of the darkness that surrounds me; there is something calming and peaceful about it.

Danny instructed me to stimulate my nipples in small circular motions.

I think about how I would like to stay like this forever, just floating in complete, peaceful darkness, with a body full of desire, achingly longing for something I will never have, perfect, enough.

- What do I have to do to get out of here?

I deliberately fall for his game, while I see fireflies floating above my eyes.

The darkness is thinner, slowly melting around me; I can only hear his voice, the beautiful murmur of the river, as I slowly cross the bridge into the brighter side of my dark subconscious.

-To dance.

-Oh.

I let out a loud sigh and then break into a happy, flirtatious giggle. I prop myself up on my forearms and stare unflinchingly at the huge, brown teddy bear standing in front of me.

Teddy, eyes gouged out and body stiffened, is there, and that's a sign that this is real now, definitely.

I am in my own subconscious, and he is that horrible reminder of all the guilt I feel, of the pain of a broken girl, of the desperate desire for love and belonging.

Teddy is a reminder of the dangerous desire that boils inside me, a reminder that I am a troubled daughter, the black sheep.

A reminder that I was never good enough, always wrong, always different.

Teddy is a reminder of my splitting, of my complete transition from innocence to raw dark desire, a reminder of my gaping crotch yearning for Danny's swollen flesh, lewdly defiling any possibility of ever being a "good daughter" again.

Danny ordered me to stand up and stand in the middle of the imaginary stage.

-I can do that.

I answer, sure and confident.

I'm still naked, wearing fishnet stockings that now reach my muscular, round, bare thighs.