Page 58 of Palingenesis

Moving waters and jagged rock faces, roots winding their way through the cracks in the boulders until they can get high enough to support the weight of their trunks and bodies that reach for the sky. High enough that I can’t tell where the sun is, just that it’s out now and battling the chill in the air.

It’s losing.

Yet, I’m coated in sweat, my skin burning.

“Fever,” I mumble and push out a sigh. Dragging in another takes a lot more effort than it should. “Or shock.”

Neither is good news, and both mean my options are dwindling.

Do I care to try any of ‘em?

The thought alone is enough to have my eyes burning from more than just the misty spray coming off the rushing waters.

Looking around, the scent of damp earth filling my senses, I let it all really sink in.

It would have been beautiful to find a place like this—strong rapids carving out a path just as every human attempts in this life, trees that reach for their dreams in the sky high above. Sharp rock walls a testament to what it took to make this place.

I wish I could make out more of the details.

See the place clearly.

Know that even though my life has been mediocre at best, there was still beauty to be found in it.

It’s really the perfect place for it all to end.

Gods, I really wanted so much more.

I never got anything I wanted in this life.

I starved for my art that never got the chance to feed me, sacrificed for love that never came back to me.

Wetness tracks down my face, my chest tight with the sob that’s lodged there.

This is my penance, isn’t it? The price I pay for all the things I didn’t do… All the wrongs I never made right.

My lip trembles with my shaky exhale.

Tears drip down my chin and splash against my chest as I look up in search of any speck of the great blue beyond that peeks through the natural canopy.

“I’m not …” My voice is thick and dulled, cracking through the singular hearing aid I’ve got left, “I’m not fucking ready.”

Flat hand rotating over my bare pec, one finger stuck bent and probably broken, I beg whatever higher power might be out there listening.

Please don’t let me die yet.

Not like this.

I shouldn’t have run so far in the dark, on my own and away from—

“Ilios.”

His name is sharp and bitter on my tongue.

My lungs fill with what feels like the first satisfying breath I’ve taken since I walked into these fucking woods to find him. The rush of it leaves me reeling, and I fall flat on my back to stare up at the shades of green.

It’s almost… comical.

The thing that I came here to let go of might be the one thing that can save me.