Page 10 of A Trial By Blood

“How does it feel?” The words were out of my mouth before I knew they were coming. But I left them there, hanging between us, because I was curious. I saw the way Rose and her siblings were with each other. How Daisy and Else were with the girls, and I found myself watching them often, trying to imagine how it felt.

“You want me to describe love?” she asked.

“Yes, if you don’t mind.”

She chewed her lip, her gaze sliding around the room to all the people gathered there and back to me. “It’s not really something that’s easy to describe. When I see you after being separated from you for a while, I feel excited. I get a feeling in my belly, an urgency, I guess, and a warmth in my chest. I feel like smiling. I know I’d do anything for you. Whatever you asked of me. All I want is to see you happy.”

“Even though you know that’s impossible?” I asked, trying to imagine what she’d described and failing.

She shook her head. “Not impossible. Look at me. I was like you are now before I met Gunner.”

My sister still held hope that I would be like her, that my emotions would return. I wasn’t sure if I wanted that or not. “The love you feel for Gunner, is it the same as what you feel for me?”

“No,” she said. “It’s very different.”

Intellectually, I knew this, but it was impossible to imagine love at all, let alone different kinds of the emotion. “Because there is sex involved?”

“Yes,” she said. “Though…” She chewed her lip again, and something shifted behind her eyes. “You know sex doesn’t always involve love, yes?”

I nodded as my stomach gripped in an unpleasant way. The act wasn’t something I enjoyed. The way Luna described love, I couldn’t imagine the emotion and sex going together very well at all. “And you still love Gunner, even after you give him your body?”

“What Gunner and I share is completely different from what we shared with Azel,” she said.

“But you give him your body, so you can feed, yes?” That’s how dhampir had lived since the beginning of their existence. Our kind bartered their bodies for blood.

“No. He gives me his blood without expectation. He feeds me because he loves me and wants me to be healthy and happy. We have sex because we enjoy giving each other pleasure. We give freely to each other, Ronan. That’s what love is.”

She wanted me to understand what she was saying, I could see that, at least. But it was impossible, and we both knew it. “Sex is pleasurable?” Again, the words came from me before I knew they were coming. I’d seen others enjoy sex at the feeding club I went to, but I still struggled to comprehend that it was possible.

She blinked, and a bloody tear suddenly streaked down her cheek. “Yes, Ronan. Sex should always be pleasurable and consensual.”

I frowned. “But you’re a dhampir.” I touched her cheek, swiping away the tear. “Why are you crying?”

She shook her head and another tear fell. “Dhampir can feel pleasure during sex, Ronan. Even without emotions. What Azel did to you, and to me, was so incredibly wrong. That wasn’t sex, that was abuse. When you’re with someone you love, or someone you choose to give yourself to, it’s nothing like…like what he did to us.”

I had wondered. “Is sex similar to the feeling we get during feeding?”

“Yes, but far more heightened.” She swiped the tears from her face. “It’s so much better.”

I nodded, not because I understood, but because she was trying so hard to get me to understand. “Thank you for explaining it to me.”

“Do you ever think about him? Azel?” she asked, her voice now husky and her eyes red.

I’d caused her distress, and I hadn’t meant to. “Sometimes I dream about him. Memories of my time with him, or that I’m still with him.”

Her hand pressed against my chest again. “Do you want to dream about him?”

“No.” The word came from me, and it was louder than I expected. “No, I don’t want to dream about him. I don’t want to think about that male at all.”

“What’s wrong?” Gunner said, suddenly at my sister’s side. His gaze sliced to me, and he looked angry. “What’s going on?”

“He didn’t do anything,” Luna said. “We were talking and Azel came up, and…”

“Fuck.” Gunner pulled Luna into his side, wrapping his arms around her. His mouth went to the top of her head, and he kissed her hair, then he bent low, pressing his mouth to her ear, saying something only my sister could hear.

The others in the room turned our way. I didn’t know what I’d done, but I’d caused this. I’d made my sister cry on her birthday, and I had no idea how or why?

“I think it’s time I leave. Thank you for inviting me,” I said to Gunner.