Page 10 of Solitary Man

I jumped when the front door banged shut.

What the hell just happened? I was sitting there panting, body alive, electric. More turned on than I could ever remember being. And he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. I’d never been kissed like that in my life. In my life. And I’d had my fair share of kisses. I mean, I’d had a handful of boyfriends. I’d gone to college and hooked up at parties.

The point was, I’d experienced some terrible kisses over the years. And some really good ones. But none had even come close to that.

Had I pushed for too much, too fast? Did he think I was a terrible kisser? Wasn’t he attracted to me?

God, was he having second thoughts about the whole thing?

I couldn’t go back to the city.

My belly churned as familiar fear worked through me. Clutching my towel to my chest, I climbed off the counter and walked through the living room on shaky legs. I moved to the window and stared out at a large barn in the field by the house. Light glowed from inside.

He’d run away from me.

Couldn’t get away from me fast enough.

The backs of my eyes stung as the full weight of the day came crashing down. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically drained from the nerves and excitement…the uncertainty. I’d had a lot of rejection in my life, from the people who should love me the most. And Cash’s rejection made the weight of it all too heavy to bear.

I bit my lip and rushed to the bedroom.

I quickly changed into my pj’s and climbed into bed. Breathing deeply as I pulled the covers up to my chin, I tried with what little strength I had left not to cry. My belly churned in awful, relentless knots. What had I done? Had I made a huge mistake? I’d just married a man I hardly knew. What the hell had I been thinking?

I hadn’t been. I’d gone with my gut instinct, and it had been loud. Thinking about Cash had made my world slow and calm when it had been a terrifying mess for so long. Looking at his picture, into the gentleness I’d seen in his beautiful blue eyes, had filled me with warmth.

Had made me feel—safe.

Cash had been so open with me in his emails, and now? Now he was so…closed off. Elusive.

I shut my eyes. After the day I’d had, I needed sleep, lots of sleep. So much had happened. But I had a horrible feeling that if I fell asleep with my emotions all over the place like they were, all I’d see were monsters. A monster. I couldn’t handle the nightmares, not tonight.

A face flashed through my mind, one I’d been working hard to pretend didn’t exist. Keith. I shuddered, chills dancing over my skin as my heart pounded along with remembered terror. I snuggled deeper under the covers. I was safe here. I was safe.

The bed shook, and I startled awake with a scream.

“It’s just me,” Cash’s deep voice said low through the darkness.

“S-sorry, I was just…I-I got a fright. I’m not used to…to sharing a bed.” My heart raced a mile a minute. For a split second I’d been back in my apartment in the city, waking to a different man in my room. I shoved the image from my mind. Keith wasn’t here. He’d never find me here.

You’re safe.

Cash was silent for several long moments. “You want me to go?”

“No,” I said too loudly, my hand shooting out and grabbing for him before he could leave me again. My fingers met hot, bare skin. A colossal pec to be exact. “I mean, no…please stay. I don’t want to be alone.”

I’d gone to sleep thinking things I didn’t want in my head, remembering things that made my stomach revolt. What I needed was to feel close to someone. Not someone…Cash.

I’d wobbled earlier. I’d let the pain, the damage my parents caused sneak back in. And I’d doubted myself and Cash. We hadn’t even spent a full day together. I needed to trust that we could work through this initial awkward part, that ahead of me was something beautiful.

I may not have known Cash long, and really only via email, but since the first time he contacted me, I felt a connection to him. And that picture…I’d looked into his eyes and saw nothing but good. I was like my mother that way. The only good thing she’d ever given me. I just knew things. Call it a sixth sense, call it intuition—whatever it was, I’d always trusted mine, and it had always been right.

I’d ignored it once and I’d paid for it, was still paying for it.

I needed to trust my instincts now.

The mattress dipped as he settled back down.

I tried to see him through the shadows, but I could only see a faint outline. “I know I…I pushed you earlier, and I promise I won’t do that again, but could you…would you hold me?”