Page 21 of Beautiful Killer

“The guy wanted me dead. Nothing I could’ve done.”

It was bullshit and we both knew it.

“Zeke, man, you are one of the deadliest motherfuckers I know. Your kill record as a sniper proves that and then some. You don’t have those kinds of stats if you aren’t observant. Jesus, brother, I’ve seen you take the enemy out at eighteen hundred yards with a single shot. You knew he was coming and don’t try to tell me otherwise.” Van cursed under his breath. “You need to talk?” he said.

“Nope.”

Van sat forward, beer hanging loose from his fingers. “When I first got home, I found it hard for a while . . .”

Shit.

“Had trouble sleeping, nightmares, even had a few panic attacks. Shrink said I had PTSD. Talking to someone helped.”

I had no idea Van had seen a shrink when he came home.

“Happens to a lot of us, Zeke. I’m here if you need me. I can give you a name, someone you can see . . .”

I shot to my feet. “I’m sorry you went through that, brother, but I don’t need to talk to anyone.”

Van just stared at me, not buying one word out of my mouth. But what he didn’t know that I did was that there was no help for me. I didn’t want to feel better. I didn’t deserve to feel better. And I sure as hell didn’t want some stranger telling me that what I did that day wasn’t my fault.

Van nodded, but didn’t look convinced. He stayed for another couple beers then left, and I was finally on my own again.

I showered and climbed into bed on autopilot, but as soon as I closed my eyes I saw her. Sunny, straddling my hips that first night, eyes bright, full of desire . . . for me, and happiness. Happiness that I was there with her. So fucking trusting, so beautiful. I wondered what she was doing right then. If she’d remembered to engage her security alarm. If she was out with friends, or if she was home in bed . . . if she was alone.

I woke a couple hours later, sweating, twisted in my sheets, but not from a nightmare this time. No, I was so hot from the dream I just had about Sunny, I ached. My hand dropped to my cock, unable to stop myself, and teeth gritted, I jerked off thinking about her, about Sunny riding me. Her wild blond hair falling around my face like a curtain when she kissed me, of her feeding me her cries when she finally came with me. Hot come splashed my stomach, throwing me back to reality, and I lay in the dark, staring up at the ceiling, panting, feeling like shit, like I’d somehow tainted her by doing what I just had. She deserved better than that. She sure as hell wasn’t some nameless face I pulled from my spank bank when I wanted to get off.

Grabbing a shirt, I cleaned off and walked to the window, staring out.

No, Sunny wasn’t that.

She was the past, and that’s all she could ever be.

Pulling on some shorts, I headed downstairs, across the floor, and back to my gym. I spent hours in here most nights, wearing myself out when the nightmares got too much. Tonight, I was in here for a different reason.

I would beat this. I had to.