Page 7 of Five Things I See in You

“You know you can request a session whenever you want,” I remind her. “With Valeria or with me. You don’t need any special reason, Iris comes sometimes just to talk and says it helps her a lot.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks,” she cuts me off, heading toward the locker room.

I’m about to ask her if she went to that coffee shop in Ballard I recommended, but she’s already gone through the door.

Before leaving, I stop by Valeria’s office and peek in.

“Has Noa Reeves requested any sessions with you?”

“No,” she answers, looking up from the computer. “And I would have told you if she had. Why? Is she okay?”

“Yes,” I answer, though I don’t know if that’s true or just what I’d like to believe.

When I get to my office, I pick out a small book I’ve reread so often its corners have gone soft. It’s helped me a lot, and it means a great deal to me. I open it to the first page and write by hand: “You’re right. Next time, you talk and I’ll listen carefully.”

I leave it in Jade’s locker, propped on the shelf, so she’ll see it as soon as she opens it.

Chapter 6

Noa

Our first midweek game of the season. At seven thirty, the usual pregame routine is in full swing in the stadium locker room: Tina’s reggaeton is blasting from the speakers and two teammates are arguing at the top of their lungs about whether the new socks are tighter than last year’s. I’m by my locker, shin guards in my lap. I’ve spent a minute trying to tie the laces on my left cleat and my fingers won’t cooperate. Since Hades chewed me out after the last game, I speak as little as possible, and I do it on purpose. I’d rather not give anyone another reason to chew me out.

With less than thirty minutes to go before warm-ups, my heart suddenly starts racing for no reason. At first I think it’s the coffee I had with lunch. Then I think it’s the lack of sleep, because I’ve been waking up at four thirty for weeks; it doesn’t matter what time I go to bed. I stay still, waiting for my heartbeat to settle on its own. It usually does.

But not this time.

Something presses down on my chest like someone just set a marble slab on me. My hands tingle and the air doesn’t quite get in, like I’m breathing through a small hole. I leave the shin guards on the bench and stand up. I walk toward the showers, because the only thing I know for sure right now is that I can’t let anyone see me like this. I lean against the tiles and I’m not really sure what happens next. The voices from the locker room suddenly reach me from very far away.

The worst part isn’t the shortness of breath or my whole body shaking. The worst part is that some part of me is still calculating how long until warm-ups start and whether I’ll have time to pull myself together before anyone notices.

At some point someone stops at the shower door.

“Oh man, Brit, what are you doing on the floor? Don’t tell me you fell asleep.” Iris plants herself in front of me, shin guards in hand, and then she sees my face. “Hey. Shit, what’s wrong? Hey, are you okay?”

I try to answer, but my voice won’t come out and that’s what scares me the most.

“What do I do?” Iris looks around, still clutching her shin guards. “Brit, tell me what to do, because I don’t know anything about this. Jade! Jade, come here, quick, hurry!” she yells.

Before I even realize it, Jade is sitting on the floor in front of me. Not touching me.

“Noa. Five things you can see,” she says quietly. “Tell me.”

I know what she’s doing. They taught it to us in that session with the psychologist, I even know why it works. In theory, at least, because right now it’s not helping me.

“Okay, okay, I’ll start. I see the tiles. I see your cleats. I see the door…”

She counts the items off on her fingers, her hand resting against her thigh as she talks, just like that Thursday in the meeting room. I don’t know why I fixate on that detail. She finishes her list and starts another one. Then she goes quiet. And I’m still exactly the same.

Then more people show up. Tessa crouches down, takes my wrist and talks to me very calmly.

“It’s okay, it looks like a panic attack. It’s horrible and it’s not dangerous, both things at the same time. Have you had one before this?” Then she turns toward the door. “Give us some space, come on, everyone out to the field to warm up, there’s nothing to see here.”

I don’t see Jordan arrive, but when I lift my head, she’s sitting on the floor at my level, her back against the tiles.

“Hey, Noa. It’s Jordan,” she says like I don’t know that. “We’re going to try something. I’ll do the talking. All you have to do is listen to my voice. You don’t have to think, okay?”

I nod and she starts.